WK6 - You've Been Dick Boned

Dick overtakes lead; Burgs remains seated at bottom.

What did I say last week? Oh, I don't know... something about the Law of Averages, involving Team Dick Burns and his lack of scoring. Something about that he'll soon have a breakout in goals scored.

Well, look no further, gentlemen and lady. Once week after my assessment, Dick Burns has boosted his goal total from 41 to 52 (+11), which tied him with AznSitch for top goals scored this week. Dick Burns also sat a bunch of Cs this week (see Toews and Bergeron) who would have helped increase his goal totals. I'm not one to brag about my predictions, but holy hell the numbers don't lie.

"Randy, no problem in braggin'," said Sitch. "Look at me; I'm a fffitness fffenomenon. People know it, I know it. But if I don't brag and remind people about it, the message will get lost, bro. You need to remind the peeps, bro."

I strongly, strongly disagree. I disprove of such behaviour; I condemn it, just as I condemn theft, arrogance, and cheating.

"Jeah me too!" chimed in a bodacious Burgs. "I hate cheating."

"Agreed," fist-pumped Sitch. "Don't cheat! Don't cheat! Don't cheat!"

I have no fucking idea of what you two are yelling about with this cheating business. Let's just get onto the rest of the stats report.

As I was saying, last week I mentioned that Dick Burns was overdue for a goal scoring supernova. Well, this week he amassed 11 goals, and his shooting percentage went from a League low of 8.07% to 9.04%, a positive increase of 0.97% week-over-week. That's some mighty-fine shooting, Dick.

"That's what she said," said Dick Burns.

In other news, reports have indicated that Safari has been on the prowl once again, this time creeping Burgundy like a lion tracking his prey. Sources indicate that Burgundy is growing impatient with his team, and is considering a blockbuster trade to either set him up for next year's draft or make a bold run to get back into the season.

"I'm not going to confirm or deny these rumors," said Safari during an unofficial press conference. "I will say this though; dealing with Burgs just got harder as his team is finally looking healthy again. I was able to snap this shot of him while following his tracks, and his mood seems to be on the upswing.

Burgs on a victory lap after Neal & Hall were activated from IR.

While we may have to wait for a trade to formally process, there is no doubt that talks have been going on behind closed doors. Other sources indicate that Dick Burns is still trying to unload Cs from his team and is unhappy with Kessel.

"He's a Leaf," said Dick Burns. "I just feel this goes against my beliefs."

I respect a man who stands for his beliefs. But, I also respect a man who wins the Randy Leagues, and Kessel is far from a disposable player, in my humble opinion. Regardless, it appears that Burgundy and Sitch are extremely interested in potentially acquiring Kessel from Dick.

Trade rumors aside, here are this weeks charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

"Fuckin' Dick, ruining my two week run at the top!" screeched an irritated Tree Bone.

"Honey, if you're going to have any fun, you better let the man get on top once in a while."

Holy shit. Wise 'fucking' words, Dick!