the Power of the Universe

I received my daily player transactions report from Yahoo! this morning at my desk. I almost spat out my Commissioner-grade-organically-brewed-enriched-coffee when I saw the report. Apparently, the Universe has been picked up by a certain select-GM.

"I sssink about it, 24/7." - Bryzgalov.

"You never know," said Safari, who was later identified as the select-GM who picked up the Universe. "Buy low. He had decent years with the Ducks and the Coyotes. He had one bad season with the Flyers and was released. Personally, I don't think this was a big risk."

It's been quite a roulette game in the crease for Team Safari. With all of his original selections (Bobrovsky, Emery and Luongo) long gone, it doesn't surprise me that Safari has been testing out different tending strategies. And, with his rainbow looking a bit more red this week, it doesn't hurt trying something new.

"And (Bryzgalov) got a shutout last night," added Dick Burns. "Which isn't saying much, considering my team has amassed four thus far."

"You're such a dick!" cried Tree Bone, in defense of Safari.

"I admit my tending moves haven't been the greatest this year," said Safari in an unofficial statement. "I've definitely regretted a few transactions. But if there's anything predictable about fantasy hockey, it is that fantasy performers are unpredictable. Therefore, your guess as to what the Universe holds is as good as mine."

Godspeed, Universe. And who knows? Maybe Safari will strike oil with this one.

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy

The Burg Surge

This may be premature ("How unfortunate," said Dick) to publish, as the season is still very, very young, but I don't have much else to report so this is sufficient for now. And, I find it highly (nerd alert) interesting.

Let's take a look at something...

"What is this sensation I'm experiencing?"

TEAM BURGUNDY

Total points accumulated since last Sunday, 104.45

Total games played since last Sunday, 21.00

Average PPGP over the last 21 games, 4.97

PPGP as of last Sunday, 2.91

PPGP as of today, 3.04

Major catalyst: James Neal (8.10 PPGP over the last 7 days).

Is that a surge? Me thinks yes.

"This is ludacris," said Sitch.

"No bitch; I am Ludacris."

"Burgundy hasn't had consistency this entire season. This anomaly is just one of them 'ebbs and flows'; there's no indication that this surge will continue," said Sitch. "What about Team Sitch, who has consistently put up admirable PPGP numbers with minimal fluctuations. What about that?!"

Valid point, Sitch. But, I'm just stating the facts, and deep down I feel as though you're bitching because the opponent who has kept you from the League basement is finally surging. You're afraid; you're all afraid!

"On a side note, I'm no longer on top," said Dick. "That's fine; a girl's gotta do her thang too."

Wise words, Dick.

Fill in the Blanks

With Next Questions on the horizon, the Fucking Randy decided it may be a good time to warm the V up with an elementary exercise known as 'Fill in the Blanks'. All select-GMs were asked a series of survey questions; the most popular responses are reported below. The answers are anonymous, though some select-GMs were not as discrete as others.

"...?..."

I GET EXCITED WHEN...

- My players are scheduled to play the Edmonton Oilers.

- My players are scheduled to play the Florida Panthers.

- Super Saturday comes around.

- The rainbow is published.

- I'm Ron... Burg...?

I LOVE IT WHEN...

- Tuukka Rask loses.

- Crosby gets drilled. ("Fuck you guys!" yelled Burgundy.)

- I find gold in recently dropped players.

- Sitch carbo loads.

- Someone uses the term 'Jelly'.

I HATE IT WHEN...

- Dick Burns wins (again, again, and again).

- My players don't register a point, but their team scored a shitload of goals.

- Crosby doesn't score.

- Tree Bone doesn't respond to me.

- I bench a player for good reason, and he decides to score 4 goals.

I AM ASHAMED WHEN...

- I go with logic when setting up my lineups instead of using my gut.

- I go with my gut when setting up my lineups instead of using logic.

- I choose to check my fantasy scores instead of having sex.

I AM EMBARRASSED WHEN...

- I scream "JEAH!" when checking my fantasy scores.

- I realize how much more time I spend on fantasy than working out.

- I realize nobody outside the V cares about this League.

- I excuse myself from a social gathering to fix my lineups.

Intriguing answers, lady and gentlemen. More to come soon.

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy

ROA 4 - Fashion Passion

Europeans. Asians. New-Yorkers. What do they all have in common?

"They've got style! Splendid style!" replied Tree Bone.

Well, I'll be damned. A select-GM actually answered one of my questions correctly. There is another correct answer to this question, but I'll explain later.

Perhaps I should have rephrased the question as Why Do Canadians Lack Style?

"U got style?" - PSY

I thought about this the entire time while I was in China/Taiwan. Now, I'm not saying that I think all Asians are fashionable/stylish; but I will say that they do have more presence than your average Joe Molson. When I walked about in the Orient, I couldn't help but notice all the damn fashion passion these people had. It was quite the contrast from the West Sweat (I am referring to the westerners love of sweat pants). I came up with a few 'debatable' reasons; but most were all trumped by my rationalization.

Here are the possible reasons, from my standpoint:

1. They're fashionable because they can afford it. While this might be true for some Asians, Europeans and New-Yorkers etc., it is far-fetched. Canada has the 9th largest GDP per capita (according to IMF); so, Canadians should have the necessary funds to afford being fashionable. Plus, we're America's top hat; shouldn't we be influenced even more by American trend setters, aka. Hollywood?

Affordability is is further trumped by world economics. The Chinese, despite their ownership of American debt, are quite poor (93rd largest GDP per capita). The Europeans arguably have their hands full with the potential default of the EU. So, it appears that money isn't the cause here.

"Shopping!"

2. Canadian weather doesn't permit fashionable decisions. When I thought of this argument originally, I thought I was going nuts. Maybe the reason why Canadians lack style is because we're fucking cooped up for literally six months out of the year due to weather. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized this reason was wrong; having a four-season cycle gives ample opportunity to be fashionable. Plus, cold weather permits layers, which in turn allows even more possible fashion combinations.

Asian nations, particularly, must deal with hot temperatures and humidity, both of which paralyze fashion decisions. Yet they still looked fashionable during my trip. So, what the fuck? Where is the bloody answer?

3. Fashion is part of their recreation.

"What the hell does that mean?" asked Safari.

This was the only rationalization that made some sense to me. Remember when I asked what Europeans, Asians, and New-Yorkers had in common? Well, the other correct answer was that they live in highly dense areas; aka. space is limited. If space is limited, recreational activities become a premium. Here in Canada, we can literally do whatever we want in our spare time, and we don't have to fight over space to get it. Therefore, expressing ourselves can come easily if there is space for it. However, when you live in a high density area (like Shanghai, for example) you become restricted. How do you have fun and relax if there is a shortage of space?

Well, you could go out to a social club. BUT, that costs money, and for some citizens this a deal breaker.

"Jeah, and a gentlemen's club is even more taxing," said Burgundy. "... from what I hear, of course."

You could also stay at home and relax. BUT, your home probably is quite small too, and when you're at home, you're likely by yourself. How the hell do you have a social life if you're home alone all the time?

Therefore, one of the few viable options is to go out and shop. If you go out to shop, you are exposed to space; shopping malls are massive and offer plenty of space to walk. Plus, shopping allows for friends to tag along, at almost no cost. Finally, going out to shop doesn't mean you have to buy something; lots of people window shop, which reduces the burden shopping has on your wallet.

Asian recreation.

Inevitably, people will likely buy something when they window shop. But, they can choose what they spend, and most can be sufficiently entertained just by browsing. And when they do buy some fashion wear, they buy it because they want to stand out. People love to stand out, so how do you do it in a high density area? Dress the fuck up.

So that's my conclusion as to why Canadians lack the fashion passion.

"Speak for yourselves," said a calm Dick Burns, curling his trade-marked eyebrows.

Wise words, Dick.

WK8 - Club G

"DUDE are we going clubbin?!" said a hip-thrusting Sitch. "Let me get my GTL disc remixxx!"

No no, slow down Sitch. The Fucking Randy ain't going clubbing, not with your filthy meat-hoes anyway. I prefer a classier approach of GTL: Grooming, a visit to my Tailor, and finally arranging for a Limo.

"Dope," said Sitch, in awe.

We're just over the quarter-mark inside the V, and it looks like a few select-GMs have achieved Club G status, aka. they've amassed at least 1,000 fantasy points. An achievement worth placing on a mahogany pedestal? Absolutely not, but a pat on the back is reasonable.

Congratulations to Dick Burns, Tree Bone and Safari for reaching Club G. Sitch and Burgs, keep your head down and work hard, bitches. You will get there.

Speaking of Club G, Mr. G (Glenn Healy) has stopped by again. The charts from the stats machine and major weekly headlines follow below. Glen added a little colour commentary for shits and giggles.

The visuals:

And here are the headlines:

[1] THE ASS HANDING AND ASS FUCKING SHALL CONTINUE

As mentioned in GMs Quarterly, Dick swore that the ass handing and ass fucking would continue, and he's delivered on his promise.

Adds Glen: I fucking love Dick!

Thanks for that, Glen (?). Rask and Fleury continued producing points for Dick, and both are making him look like gold. But what about the other select-GMs? Do any others stand a chance?

Adds Glen: I gotta say Sitch and his G-Entourage have the most potential. I was a goalie back in my day, and I know starters when I see one. Sitch's group of Gs are tops in the League; they just haven't peaked yet. His rainbow in the G categories aren't sublime, but they aren't the worst I've seen. The wins will come, and that will assist him the most.

[2] NEAL, NASH UPRISING

"Looks like he's saying 'Jeah!'" said Burgs.

"Great Odin's Raven I'm relieved," said a temporarily relaxed Burgundy. "I've been long awaiting the return of Nash and Neal, and that finally happened this week. They got me a couple goals and I could not be happier."

I could not be happier for Burgundy at this point. He had such tough luck at the beginning of the season, and now it appears his engine is finally humming at the right frequency.

Adds Glen: 3G, 3A from Neal this week. Plus, Crosby (oh, how dreamy he is...) added 3G and 2A for kicks. What more could you ask for? I guess a topless photo of Sid would be nice...

Stop, Glen.

[3] MALKIN SURGES

A relief for Tree Bone, I am sure. Malkin amassed 1G, 7A this week, good for 24.75 fantasy points. Before that, he hadn't scored in ages, and Crosby appeared to be getting all the attention. As Malkin was Tree Bone's keeper selection, I imagine she is hoping this uptrend will continue.

"The way he's playing right now, he could dance around an entire team while pouring a cup'o'tea!" cheered a joyful Tree Bone.

Adds Glen: Yes, well he may be great this week, but does he have the strength and stability of a Crosby? I mean, Crosby is just so, so ---

Stop, Glen.

[4] IT'S GREAT TO BE AO8

"Look bitches; I'm flying!

It appeared to be a race between Stamkos and Ovechkin for top scorer until Stamkos fell. Nonetheless, Ovechkin, possibly motivated for Soshi, is being such a G, leading the League with 20G and 124.20 fantasy points.

"I almost kept Malkin instead of him," said Safari. "I would have been pissed."

Adds Glen: Sure, he's scoring now. But what about his team? The Capitals are still inconsistent, allow a lot of goals, and need more leadership if they are to be a contender. I mean, look, when Crosby's on the ice, his leadership just shines; he's like a colonel that receives undivided attention; he's the flag that flaps effortlessly in the wind; he's ---

Alright, this is fucking retarded. Glen, you've been relieved of your reporting duties. I can't have a colour analyst being this Crosboned. You're done.

"Never liked that Glen," said Dick Burns. "Even though he said great things about my team, I never liked him. It was like getting a compliment from a salesman. Ain't worth shit."

Wise words, Dick.

GMs Quarterly

Aside from all the trades, drops etc. over the last two weeks, the Fucking Randy was reminded by Safari that Randy's V is already a quarter complete. Therefore, he suggested a quarter-mark report be published for such an occasion.

"Yes, like GQ!" added Burgundy.

That's pretty high class. Nonetheless, I'm pleased to oblige. Here is the first edition of GMs Quarterly:

GMs Quarterly - First Edition

Welcome to GMs Quarterly - First Edition. Commissioner Randy has assessed all the juice that's been flowing through the uterine walls in the V during the first quarter; he's ready to dish out some quarterly awards/raspberries. Additional comments were provided by in-person interviews with all select-GMs as well as certain analysts of the V. So, what has the story inside the V been so far?

GM OF THE QUARTER: TREE BONE

(Honourable mention: Dick Burns)

Tree Bone has stuck to her game plan for the most part during the first quarter; she hasn't made significant roster changes and remains highly competitive in the V. Just look at her colours:

No reds. Her colours are looking wet and warm ("Ew!" said Tree Bone). Though she currently sits second behind Dick Burns, she has surprised every select-GM with her performance, which is respectable considering she was last to draft.

"She's definitely giving me a bone!" said Healy, aspiring for a good pun.

BUTT-FUCKED OF THE QUARTER: BURGUNDY

(Honourable mentions: Rob Ford, Sitch)

A cautious Burgs looks on during a Q&A.

Injuries, injuries, injuries. And these aren't petty injuries either; Nash (39th overall pick), Neal (29th overall pick) and Hall (22nd overall pick) are dynamite forwards and were projected to score admirably this season; my estimate during the Combine Results projected the three would score 85 goals, combined. Going forward, Burgundy can only hope that these players, who have since recovered from injuries, can return to mid-season form and pick up the pace. Otherwise, the only thing Burgundy will finish first in is chuggin' Scotch.

BUTT-FUCKING OF THE QUARTER: DICK BURNS via Tuukka Rask
(Honorable mention: Dick Burns via Marc-Andre Fleury)

Just another 'Are you fucking kidding me?' save.

By "BUTT-FUCKING" I literally mean the fucking of asses. Dick Burns could not have made a better 3rd overall selection by picking Tuukka Rask; his tending in general has been unbelievable, and there is no sign of him slowing down. With a 1.61 GAA in 18 games played, Rask has been a monster ("JEAH!" said Pierre); Dick pretty much gets to choose which butt he'd like to fuck on a daily basis.

"The ass handing and ass fucking shall continue," said Dick Burns.

STEALTH OF THE QUARTER: SAFARI
(Honorable mention: Sitch)

"This ain't no sprint," comments Safari.

I've had ongoing discussions with Safari regarding his team; some good, some bad. Despite Safari's repeated frustrations, I do believe his management deserves Stealth status for the quarter. Sure, he's revamped his roster more times than Blackberry revamps its business strategy, but his numbers are respectable. His players average 3.22 PPGP and his goalies average 4.09 PPGP. The statistics show that his team is quite well-rounded in all categories, which is quite unusual for this League. His only laggards are GAA and save %, but he makes up for it with a 60.53% win percentage. Safari definitely gets the nod for flying under the radar.

WILDCARD OF THE QUARTER: SITCH
(Honorable mention: NA)

Is a Resurrection in play? 

Look, we all know that total points is all that matters at the end of the day. However, I can't deny the strategy Sitch has put forth this season; he's been carefully choosing his starting rosters, and for it he's been way behind in games-played. However, he currently sports a 3.52 PPGP, 0.09 ahead of the next best select-GM (Dick at 3.43 PPGP). And, Sitch has maintained this statistic basically since the beginning of the season.

Finally, when looking at his roster, one can't help but think about what would happen if his law of averages finally kicks in. Look at these under performers, either through play or injury, thus far:

Lundqvist (pre-ranked 7th, currently ranked 88th)
Rinne (pre-ranked 12th, currently ranked 188th)
Letang (pre-ranked 35th, currently ranked 448th)
Giroux (pre-ranked 16th, currently ranked 123rd)

Patience may be his best play.

"His roster is impressive," said Dick Burns. "But then again, so are my goalies."

Wise words, Dick.

BREAKING: Glenn Healy Signs, Reports on Trades

After earlier reports hinted at contract negotiations with a mystery analyst, Commissioner Randy is pleased to report that former NHLer Glenn Healy has signed on as an official analyst for Randy's V. A contributor to CBC/speed gun fanatic/wise ass guy extraordinaire, he joins a roster of dedicated analysts, including the likes of Pierre McGuire, Mike Milbury and Pierre LeBrun.

"JEAH!" fist pumps Burgundy.

"What the fuck is this?!" demanded Milbury. "I thought we had exclusivity! I don't want to share the limelight with some low-IQ irrational being!"

Oh, Milbury, you're one to talk.

"I'm so pleased," said Healy to reporters earlier this morning as he measured the incredible speed at which Crosby tied his skates. "I wish to provide premiere analysis to Randy's Reports, and I know my intellect and speed gun will bring these reports up to speed."

Glenn, you'll need way better puns than that. Regardless, as his first engagement, Glenn has looked over the two trades this week between Dick/Safari and Dick/Sitch.  He's speedy analysis is provided below:

TRADE 1

Dick trades: Evander Kane, John Carlson, Phil Kessel

Safari trades: Pavel Datsyuk, Duncan Keith, Ryan Kesler

Kessel leaves the Big D, joins the Pride.

Healy: I love big Dick, and I love big trades. This was a monster ("That's my line!" cried McGuire). Datsyuk has been phenomenal this season, and it should help out the scoring which has been lacking for Team DB. Dick also gets dependable Keith in this transaction, and since he's manning the point on a high-octane Chicago roster, he'll easily get points just by being on the ice. Dick's defense hasn't been as strong as in prior years, so this bodes well for him.

However, Dick did give up a lot. Kane and Kessel have been phenomenal wingers this season. Though Kessel is inconsistent, he can deliver when he's on. Safari, already with sound offence, gets additional support in this trade and gave up two forwards who are older and prone to injury.

Winner of the trade: Based on my speed gun, I've got to go with Safari. Speed wins, and Kane and Kessel are missiles.

TRADE 2 

Dick trades: John Tavares

AznSitch trades: Dustin Byfuglien, Marian Hossa

Healy: I love smaller dicks, and I love smaller trades. That's not saying that this was minuscule by any means. Let's not forget: Tavares was  the first overall pick in this years draft, so I'm a bit surprised that Dick was willing to let him go. However, when I look at his roster, I can see his reasons. With so many Cs (see Zetterberg, Getzlaf, Toews), he can afford to lose a few. Can he afford to lose his most prized C? Perhaps, given that he's bolstered his defense with the addition of Byfuglien (and let's not forget he acquired Keith in his trade with Safari).

Tavares rejoins Team Sitch, where he played last year.

As for Sitch, trading away his players was no cup of protein mix. Byfuglien is one of the few defensemen in the League who can put up points even when he doesn't score, and he scores often. Hossa, who has averaged over 3.7 PPGP this season, is also a point producer; the only drawback is that he is injury prone. Regardless, with the loss of Stamkos, Sitch was looking for a number one C to take his place, and I think he got a suitable replacement. Should Stamkos return this year, Sitch will be well-prepared to dominate the scoring race. Remember what happened down the stretch in last year, with Sitch playing both Stamkos and Tavares?

Winner of the trade: I'm going to wait on this. My gut tells me Sitch has the edge due to acquiring Tavares. However, a defenseman like Byfuglien is no slim picking, and Hossa plays regularly with Toews and Sharp, which should give Dick Burns plenty of opportunity to cash in. I'm undecided.

"Glen, you're all talk and no finish," said Dick.

Wise words, Dick.

WK7 - Colours of the Rainbow

Seemed kind of like a boring week, no?

Point accumulations were 'average' for most select-GMs, but one seemed to be struggling more than others. I'm talking about the lack of muscle on a particular team. Know what I'm referring to?

"... Damn!" said Sitch, spoonful of rice in hand.

Just look at these injuries:

Matt Duchene (C, LW) - DTD, estimated one week

Marian Hossa (RW) - DTD, no timetable

Mike Green (D) - IR, no timetable

Steven Stamkos (C) - IR, 3-4 months

Pekka Rinne (G) - IR, 2 months

Not surprisingly, Sitch was only able to accumulate 80.25 fantasy points this week, well below the League average of 117.25 fantasy points.

But given the lack of drama this week, the Fucking Randy was able to muscle-up (that's right, I said muscle up; trying to give Sitch a boost here) his stats machine and produce this colourful rainbow for statistical reporting purposes. See the glory below, and take note of where you (and your competitors) stand. This may assist you in determining where you're an awesome-blossom, as well as where you're a piece-of-shit.

Green = Awesome-Blossom | Red = Piece-of-Shit

If you're got green, you're a machine. If you've got red, start thinking ahead. What do the colours tell us?

DICK BURNS - Mighty fine goaltending, substandard goal scoring. His shot percentage is a League-low of 8.20%, and given the number of games he's played, it appears that his forwards aren't giving him enough support. Again, I love to hammer this point across: he's carrying TWO GOALIES and trumping the category! How do you feel about that, Safari, Sitch and Burgs?!

"Fuck that Dick!" yelled the three, in unison.

"How ironic; that's what sorority chicks yell when they see me," responded Dick.

TREE BONE - Yes, she was dethroned last week from top spot in the V, but look at her colours (and I'm not referring to black). She's only got one red (win %), but even that's not a League low. She may not be on top, but she's definitely running an excellent machine.

"I guess once you go black, you go green," said Tree Bone.

SAFARI - Another strong colour candidate, like Tree Bone. Safari, always perfectly tanned and ready for the hunt, is quite well-rounded. Though his GAA is a League low, he gets wins, and his forwards are keeping up with League averages.

SITCH - This guy seems to love the numbers game more than his workouts. There appears to be some sort of strategy around his games-played.

"No fucking way!" responded Sitch.

Anyways, he's way behind in games-played, but it appears he's doing it strategically somehow (though thus far his strategy has brought him close to the League basement). His team can score (a League best) but can't assist (a League low). Additionally, it appears that he can't even buy a win in net, even though he holds 5 goalies!

BURGUNDY - The injury bug ridiculed his team at the beginning of the season, and his goalies, like Sitch's, haven't done much for him either. With no green colours attached to his name, it appears that this machine needs some assistance in all areas.

"This stupid colour thing is making me dizzy," said Burgundy. "Can't we just call it a day and hit Pleasure Town?"

Aside, here are this week's visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

"Question: do the colours matter if you're sitting atop the rankings?" asked Dick.

Wise (ass) words, Dick.

ROA 3 - Little Brains

Oh no, I'm not referring to dwarfs giving blowies.

"DAMN!" shouted Burgs, slamming his fists onto his mahogany desk.

I am referring to little Chinese tots.

During my visit, I hung up my hat in the suburbs of Shanghai. I say suburbs quite loosely here, as the Shanghai suburbs are busier than any Canadian downtown city core I have ever seen. Across from my stay was an elementary school, and I was able to see a glimpse of what a typical morning was like for little Chinese tots. These kids wake up, put on little blue and white uniforms with red-coloured neck pieces and then march around for a good 30 minutes.

"Just another Monday..."

The march begins with an anthem, powered by an outdoor PA system. Then, like orchestrated Tetris pieces, these blue, white and red tots come filtering out from the school building onto the parade square in unison. They make their loop around the square, dress (military word for line up) and then stand still with eyes front. The anthem stops, and a gym teacher takes over the PA. He yells commands, and the tots respond. They dress, dress some more, and scream in unison.

After the gym teacher is satisfied, exercise music takes over. A few 'gifted fitness tots', or 'GFTs' ---

"Please tell me more about these fitness tots!" said Sitch.

Don't fucking interrupt my stories, EVER AGAIN, Sitch. Anyways, a few GFTs run up to preassigned podiums while the rest of the tots look on. The music continues and suddenly all tots, with the guidance of their GFTs, exercise in unison. They clap, they squat, they lunge, etc. Now, I must admit these so-called fitness moves would make any westerner grin; I would say these fitness moves were more an eighty's dance than a fitness routine. But the point is, they are all in unison, and they all start and finish at the same time.

"At the same time - that's the best way to finish," chimed in Tree Bone.

The GFTs finish their moves, jump off the podiums and then redress themselves into the group. The anthem comes on again, and the tots file back into the school and begin another day of study (comprised mainly of science, math and technology).

I was impressed with this discipline. These kids may look funny while they march around and do an eighty's dance, but they are in unison and they listen. They understand order, authority and obedience. Nothing should be taken away from their training.

What I will say though, as an outside observer, is that I did feel sad that these kids are so disciplined. When you live in a densely populated area, with many hardworking bright minds around, competition becomes fierce. How do you gain an edge? You train, you study, and you repeat. What do you sacrifice? A childhood. I heard the PA system run a routine broadcast every afternoon which apparently was an 'eye relaxation cycle', commanding tots to sit at their desk, close their eyes and massage them. That, in itself, shows you how much stress and work these tots go through day in and day out. It's so much that the school board has a special 'eye relaxation cycle' programmed into every single school day. Can you imagine that?

"Rub counterclockwise, little tots."

I also visited Taiwan during my trip and the tots there had similar lifestyles. I spoke with a little tot in Taiwan, asking her to tell me what her schedule was like day in and day out. She said she wakes up at 5:30AM to get ready for school. School starts at 7:30AM and runs until 5:00PM. Her mother meets here at school and drops off dinner. The tot then walks to her tutoring class, which begins at 6:00PM and runs until 9:00PM. She returns home at around 10:00PM and begins her regularly assigned homework. She gets to bed, on average, by 1:30AM.

I stress that this is her routine; it is a typical day. And, she informs me that this is four days a week. She (luckily) does not have tutoring on Fridays, but she spends half of the day on Saturday attending a separate tutoring class.

Does this give her an edge? Perhaps, but perhaps not, as she also told me that this is the routine for most kids, so extra study cannot take you far if everyone else also engages in extra study.

Think about your childhood; how do you feel about it now?

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy

Turbo Carbo Loading

"Hahahahahahahaha!" laughed a devilish Burgundy. "I'm sorry, but I feel no sympathy whatsoever! This is too good to be true. Jeah!"

Burgundy is, of course, chuckling at Sitch's turn of events which occurred this Remembrance Day afternoon. Sitch's star performer (and top fantasy point producer to-date) Stephen Stamkos has been diagnosed with a broken tibia and will be out indefinitely. He will have surgery tomorrow morning according to TSN.

"I have no sympathy," said Burgs, again. "I had this last year with my Crosbone; I've had this happen to me year after year (see Hall, Neal and Nash). Injuries are just part of the game, and Sitch will just have to deal with it. Oh, I'm lovvvvving this."

After hearing of the news, Sitch was found downing his favourite protein drink, followed by a turbo carbo load including heavy pasta and bread sticks.

"Damn straight." - Sitch

Now that Sitch is down a centreman (his best centremen), should we expect any trade fireworks to begin lighting up?

"Despite the significant loss, I'm going to stay level-meat-headed. I still believe my other centres are more than capable of producing. I don't think a trade is the only answer here; there are still plenty of decent free agents available, and this short-term loss is not worth getting emotional over.

"For those of you thinking to profit on a quick trade out of this, go fuck yourselves. Sitch Not Your Bitch."

Wise words, dick.

WK6 - You've Been Dick Boned

Dick overtakes lead; Burgs remains seated at bottom.

What did I say last week? Oh, I don't know... something about the Law of Averages, involving Team Dick Burns and his lack of scoring. Something about that he'll soon have a breakout in goals scored.

Well, look no further, gentlemen and lady. Once week after my assessment, Dick Burns has boosted his goal total from 41 to 52 (+11), which tied him with AznSitch for top goals scored this week. Dick Burns also sat a bunch of Cs this week (see Toews and Bergeron) who would have helped increase his goal totals. I'm not one to brag about my predictions, but holy hell the numbers don't lie.

"Randy, no problem in braggin'," said Sitch. "Look at me; I'm a fffitness fffenomenon. People know it, I know it. But if I don't brag and remind people about it, the message will get lost, bro. You need to remind the peeps, bro."

I strongly, strongly disagree. I disprove of such behaviour; I condemn it, just as I condemn theft, arrogance, and cheating.

"Jeah me too!" chimed in a bodacious Burgs. "I hate cheating."

"Agreed," fist-pumped Sitch. "Don't cheat! Don't cheat! Don't cheat!"

I have no fucking idea of what you two are yelling about with this cheating business. Let's just get onto the rest of the stats report.

As I was saying, last week I mentioned that Dick Burns was overdue for a goal scoring supernova. Well, this week he amassed 11 goals, and his shooting percentage went from a League low of 8.07% to 9.04%, a positive increase of 0.97% week-over-week. That's some mighty-fine shooting, Dick.

"That's what she said," said Dick Burns.

In other news, reports have indicated that Safari has been on the prowl once again, this time creeping Burgundy like a lion tracking his prey. Sources indicate that Burgundy is growing impatient with his team, and is considering a blockbuster trade to either set him up for next year's draft or make a bold run to get back into the season.

"I'm not going to confirm or deny these rumors," said Safari during an unofficial press conference. "I will say this though; dealing with Burgs just got harder as his team is finally looking healthy again. I was able to snap this shot of him while following his tracks, and his mood seems to be on the upswing.

Burgs on a victory lap after Neal & Hall were activated from IR.

While we may have to wait for a trade to formally process, there is no doubt that talks have been going on behind closed doors. Other sources indicate that Dick Burns is still trying to unload Cs from his team and is unhappy with Kessel.

"He's a Leaf," said Dick Burns. "I just feel this goes against my beliefs."

I respect a man who stands for his beliefs. But, I also respect a man who wins the Randy Leagues, and Kessel is far from a disposable player, in my humble opinion. Regardless, it appears that Burgundy and Sitch are extremely interested in potentially acquiring Kessel from Dick.

Trade rumors aside, here are this weeks charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

"Fuckin' Dick, ruining my two week run at the top!" screeched an irritated Tree Bone.

"Honey, if you're going to have any fun, you better let the man get on top once in a while."

Holy shit. Wise 'fucking' words, Dick!

PJ "Hermann" Stock

This post really has nothing to do with the V, but I thought I'd share it because I find it quite funny.

Today's Google Doodle featured Hermann Rorschach, the famous Swiss Freudian psychiatrist, best known for developing the Rorschach inkblot test. Now, when I clicked on the link to Hermann Rorschach's Wikipedia page and saw his picture, I thought: wow, he's very stylish. I also had a second thought, but I'll let you fill in the blanks. See below.

"Absolutely astonishing," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

WK5 - Charts are Back, Bitchez!

We're just over a month into the V. For some, 5 weeks in the V is a long time.

"Not for this gentleman," grinned a slippery Dick Burns.

Once again, I'd like to thank Burgundy for taking over statistical reporting duties in my absence (I'll CC McGuire and Mibury on that). I was able to compile Burgundy's MPAc-quality stats into my stats machine this weekend and produce some visuals for you fine select-GMs.

The stats, as of November 3, 2013 are as follows:

Unfortunately, I was unable to get McGuire and Milbury to comment on this weeks statistics; they were away on some males-only spa, organized by some anchorman from Channel 4.

"Absolutely preposterous and untrue!" shrieked a half-naked anchorman from a hotbox, who shall remain nameless.

Nonetheless, I have an analyst who has been begging to get onto this prestigious site, and I am currently in contract negotiations with him; he is expected to sign later this week and will be providing some colour commentary on statistical reports. For the time being, I'll look at them myself. So, what can we see from this week's activity?

1. ICE, ICE, BURGY! - I mean this literally. With Nash, Hall and Neal all on the IR, Team Burgundy is making hourly trips to score bags of ice for his injured men. It is unfortunate and hurting his team badly. I had predicted that Team Burgundy would finish first this year barring injuries, and it looks like he's in trouble. We all remember what happened last year in Randy's Redemption 2013 when his Crosbone was put on IR; his team floundered and arguably cost him the title. What should we expect from management in the coming months to address the problem?

"I'll tell you what I'm going to do," said Burgundy. "I'm gonna --- what's that Pierre? Oh, you're out of the hot tub. You need a towel? Coming buddyyyyy!"

2. PPGP A HOT TOPIC, AGAIN - Tree Bone, arguably the most threatening team to date, has maintained an unprecedented PPGP, and is currently sitting with a 3.63 PPGP. However, quietly in the background, Sitch has brought up his PPGP to 3.63 as well, and both sit tied for 1st in terms of PPGP.

"Never underestimate how hard my body can werk after reaching the top," said Sitch, referencing the title he won in Randy's Redemption 2013. "Ya better werk bitch!"

"Nice, but could use more Pierre." - Burgs

3. WAITING FOR THE LAW OF AVERAGES - Dick Burns, still sitting in second place, has the second lowest goals total in the League. Despite playing the most games out of all select-GMs and having the most shots on goal, he's trailing. My spidy-senses are tingling; something tells me he will soon have a breakout week in goals scored.

4. ADAPTING > DRAFTING - I was skeptical about Safari's goalies during the pre-season (he had drafted Luongo, Bobrovsky and Emery); not so much about the talent that these tenders had, but the teams which they were employed. Well, Safari has transformed his roster during the first 5 weeks and has since dropped all three and swapped in and out of tenders faster than customers returning their Blackberry devices. He's been able to adapt and generate 14 wins in 23 games. Not too shabby if you ask me.

"Care to comment on my goalie duo?" asked Dick Burns, with a smirk.

No Dick. I don't need to remind everyone of your ridiculous tandem that continues to shit on the competition.

"Very well. I just thought it would remind everyone that quality trumps quantity."

Wise words, Dick.

BREAKING: Traded Overturned

[Excerpt from League Headquarters, dated November 1, 2013, 5:30 EST, r.e. Dick, Safari Trade Hearing]

Artists conception

Commissioner Randy presiding:

Good afternoon. This hearing is with regards to the decision made by the League on the Dick, Safari trade dated November 1, 2013 involving Phil Kessel, Logan Couture, John Tavares and Brent Burns.

As stated in the Randy Leagues Act, all trades are subject to the review by all select-GMs in the League, and if necessary, the pending trade may be rejected. For a trade to be rejected, 40% (or 2/5) of the select-GMs must vote against the trade (Rule 91.A) within 24 hours of the trade being accepted by the select-GMs making the trade.

In the case of this trade between Dick and Safari, two select-GMs, Sitch and Burgs, rejected the trade, fulfilling Rule 91.A.

Sitch voted against the trade inside Yahoo! within the 24 hours. Burgs was in contact with me, Commissioner Randy, and requested clarification on the mechanics of voting against the trade. I informed him that the trade would officially show up on team rosters on Saturday, November 2, 2013, so Burgs was required to vote against the trade before Friday, November 1, 2013. Unfortunately, I was incorrect and therefore mislead Burgs.

Voting should have been done before Thursday, October 31, 2013. Burgs, under my misdirection, was unaware and did not vote before the deadline. When the trade processed on Friday, November 1, 2013, Burgs contacted me, indicating he thought he had more time. 

As Commissioner, I apologize for this error.

Burgundy had informed me that he intended on voting against this trade prior to Thursday, October 31, 2013 (via text and phone). Because of this, I overturned the trade in Yahoo! this afternoon.

A statement from Burgundy and Sitch will follow in the coming days. 

Thank you for attending this afternoon. Good evening.

BREAKING: Trade Under Review

Fellow select-GMs:

The trade involving select-GMs Dick Burns and African Lion Safari, dated November 1, 2013, involving the players Phil Kessel, John Tavares, Logan Couture and Brent Burns is officially under review. It has been confirmed that the mechanics of trade reviews by select-GMs were not clearly understood by all parties. Therefore, the trade has been temporarily suspended, even though it has been formally processed by Yahoo!.

The verdict and summary of explanations will follow shortly. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Cordially,

- Commissioner Randy