As I sit here on my newly purchased chesterfield, legs resting firmly on the ottoman, I can't help but grin as I think about what is to happen tomorrow.
Randy's V will officially open for business.
"JEAH BITCH!" screeched Burgundy.
"Hazzz!" fist pumps Sitch.
"Cheerio!" cheers Tree Bone.
"Rawr!" roars Safari.
"Excellent," comments Dick.
We've been through a lot, my dear select-GMs; a summer of fun, an AGM full of steaks, a nerve-wrecking draft, and a combine. Yet, there is still so, so much more in store for the V. The games shall begin tomorrow. Set your lines, pray for your rosters, and curse those who are better than thee.
"JEAH!"
For those who think they're destined to win, I say that you are fucked; you have a 20% chance of winning, and that's assuming all teams are built equally (which we know are not). For those who are comfortable with where they are, I say that you are unwise; you have no idea how this League can turn around and destroy perfectly constructed teams. And for those who are in doubt, I say be patient; you did your research, your players were ranked for a reason. You never know where fate may bring you.
As Commissioner, I say good luck to all. I wish everyone a great season, and I encourage fair play alongside shit-talking. I look forward to reporting the League's activities, and the more discussion the better. I thrive off team rivalries, hatred, comments, etc. Give me your opinion, and I shall turn them into Pulitzer Prize pieces.
While we are on the subject of reporting, I'd like to mention that I will be gone for the majority of October, travelling the eastern lands receiving Fire & Ice's and drinking ginseng. I will report the first week's activities, but will then pass reporting duties over to Burgundy, who has volunteered to take over the blog for the second to fourth weeks of October. He needs to practice thinking on his own, without assistance of PromptApp, and I have authorized him as a contributor to this blog. It is the first time I've ever opened up my halls to any individual; thus, do not fuck this up, Burgs.
Intoxicated Burgs goes too far; Jones won't press charges.
After attending a wedding ceremony on the weekend, select-GM Ron Burgundy thought it would be nice to have a special day of his own. Unfortunately, it did not pan out as well as he would have hoped.
"No comment!" said Burgs.
"I'm not allowed to comment on any of this," said Burgs after he was released on bail.
Reporters were unable to get anything out of the tight-lipped Burgundy, but witnesses at the wedding and close friends of Burgundy filled in the missing pieces.
Sources indicate that after the ceremony, Burgundy and some other wedding attendees grabbed a few alcoholic beverages to pass time before the reception. An advocate of scotch (scotch, scotch, scotch!), Burgundy found his way through to the bottom of a Glenfiddich bottle and was 'extremely' intoxicated. He then began to speak his mind, apparently full of dirty thoughts regarding singer/actress Rashida Jones.
"He's always loved that freaking Jones," said AznStich, who saw Burgundy shortly before the wedding ceremony. "He had come over to my place before the wedding to get my advice on his double windsor. Made me feel around his neck to make sure everything was in order; made me ensure that he was lookin' sexy. It was awkward.
"Right then and there, I knew he was thinking about Rashida. He always thinks of her when he's feelin' sexy."
Witnesses say that Burgundy began telling everyone exactly why he thought Rashida was so great, from her graceful back-up vocal tracks on Maroon 5's Songs About Jane album to her performance on Parks and Recreation, as well as her memorable role in the film I Love You, Man. When those around him questioned how great she was, he defended her the way Pierre McGuire defends his Monster, revving his throaty voice over everyone around him in order to get his point across.
Things went south when people continued to question Burgundy's perspective of Rashida.
"He was drunk, and they wanted to punch him in the ovaries," an anonymous source said. "They wanted him to freak out; they wanted to break his glass case of emotion. They succeeded."
Burgundy was egged on, and became so infuriated that he began Googling "Rashida Jones' phone number" to try and get a hold of the singer/actress. He apparently wanted everyone to hear her voice so that he could prove just how amazing she was. His Googling efforts returned no results, however, and Burgundy soon forgot his original intentions and instead began creeping the images which popped up during his searches.
Image retrieved from Burgundy's phone.
"He had a mad pants bone," said another source. "And then he... he forgot he was out in public. He just... whipped it out, like an animal... like some sort of beast. Like Bigfoot."
Police arrived on the scene shortly after and apprehended the intoxicated Burgundy. He was charged with Indecent Exposure and has been sentenced to 40 hours of community service on top of bail. Jones' PR representatives heard of the story and noted that she will not press charges.
"Absolutely disgraceful," said Dick Burns. "But, I have to agree; she's a FoX."
It's no surprise that a certain select-GM is circling the trading perimeter, gauging what his fellow select-GMs are up to and what they want or need. It's no surprise that he can smell blood; opportunity to pounce when the time is right.
That select-GM, is once again African Lion Safari.
Looking for something, my dear Safari?
Rumors inside the V have been swirling, and the word has been that trade proposals have been flying around, all initiated or stemming from Camp Safari. A notorious, dedicated Leaf fan, it's been rumored that Safari is seeking some Blue for his team, and has approached Sitch for support.
"What can I say? I love my Leafs," said Safari, on record. "But that's as far as I'll go."
For now. But who knows what the coming weeks will bring? Sources say that Safari has engaged in ongoing talks with Sitch for Kadri, but Sitch is reluctant to hand off the young centre.
"Me so satisfied with Sitch team," said Sitch, post carbo-load and pre work-out. "I don't need anything presently. I focused my body and mind prior to and during that draft; I'm confident with my team and, as of this moment, I'm not looking to part ways with any team personnel.
"That being said, anything is possible. I'm just saying: if someone wants to trade with me, it will have to be substantial, because I don't feel the need to buy or sell."
"He's a liar," said Dick Burns. "Sitch is always a buyer - of creatine."
As promised, I've compiled the pre-season team rankings. These results were based off of mountains of statistics, data and 'gut-intuitions' (not to mention many, many assumptions), most of which I do not care to explain. So, if you're sad about where your team ranks, all I have to say is this: try harder next year.
"Once again, I'd just like to add that combine results are ---" said Dick Burns.
I'll stop you right there, Dick. Yes, combines are notorious for not having ANY significance with actual ice-level performance, but it is human nature for us to believe that we can actually project future outcomes based on some 'justified' measurements. We all know projections and trend analysis don't mean much if the statistics are skewed by either sub-par/unique instances, but who gives a shit?! I'm not here to rationalize; I'm here to report.
"... Fine," agreed Dick Burns.
Without further delay, here are the combine results [position, followed by rank, followed by analysis]:
CENTRE
1. Burgs
2. Dick Burns
3. Tree Bone
4. Sitch
5. Safari
"Well well well, no surprises here!" an excited Burgundy yelled. Yes, the Crosbone factor definitely assisted in Burgundy's overall centre ranking, though I should note that the top ranking, in my opinion, could have gone to either Burgundy, Dick Burns or Tree Bone.
"Bullshit!" said Burgundy.
Tree Bone, who holds top centres in Malkin and Giroux, arguably matches the talent of Burgundy. Dick Burns, who also has proven firepower in Toews, Tavares and Getzlaf, could have also easily taken the #1 spot and has spares in case of injury. However, assuming Crosbone has a healthy season, I must give it to Burgundy.
"Yes!" shrieked Burgundy.
Sitch takes the #4 spot; he has the best goal scorer in Stamkos, but he's gambling with wildcard picks such as Sharp (coming off an injury-plagued season) and notable young guns (Kadri and Duchene). Safari has a gem in Backstrom, especially if he is paired with AO8, but also has a wildcard pick with Seguin, who may or may not shine in Dallas. He's got veterans in Datsyuk and Spezza, though some may argue that Datsyuk is past his prime and Spezza is prone to injury.
"Prone to injury?" questioned Safari. "See: Crosby."
LEFT WING
1. Safari
2. Burgs
3. Sitch
4. Tree Bone
5. Dick Burns
Safari gets the nod for LWs; Ovechkin is the perennial favourite among LWs, and he's also got Couture and Parise to back him up in case anything goes awry. Burgs, fashioning Neal and Hall, gets the #2 spot as both should produce handsomely this season.
"Fuck, I wanted Neal so badly," said Sitch. "He was such a force last year, and I tried to get Kunitz and Neal in the draft this year; Burgs beat me to the punch."
It's out of your control, Sitch. Besides, with Kunitz and Carter (26 G last year), you should be able to keep pace, which is why you've been allotted the #3 spot. The short end of the stick goes to Tree Bone and Dick Burns, who have proven wingers, but are either aging or on weaker teams.
"I demand more of an explanation," said Tree Bone.
No.
RIGHT WING
1. Tree Bone
2. Burgs
3. Dick Burns
4. Sitch
5. Safari
You want an explanation for this one, Tree Bone?
"No; the ranking is sufficient," said Tree Bone. That's what I thought. BUT, I"ll provide it anyway. Like the centres, the right wing rankings were close, but Tree Bone has support with St. Louis and Perry, which puts here at the top of the list. Burgs, Dick, Sitch and Safari will duke it out thereafter, though the order from #2 to #5 could have had many different combinations.
DEFENSE
1. Sitch
2. Tree Bone
3. Safari
4. Burgs
5. Dick Burns
"FIST PUMP!" yelled AznSitch. "Crank up the Enrique!"
Woah, woah. Slow down with the music, Sitch. Let me get to my analysis first. Sitch picks up top spot for defense as he's got both offensive and 'hard-nosed' statistics covered. Barring injury, Letang will put up decent numbers, second only to the likes of Karlsson or Subban. Sitch also has big rugged D (not in his pants, though) with Weber and Byfuglien, who can also make it onto the score sheet. He rounds out his D with Green and Ekman-Larsson, and gamble-pick Hamilton.
Tree Bone comes in a close second; she boasts an offensive Karlsson, as well as grit with Chara. Should Markov and Pietrangelo have healthy seasons, she may challenge Sitch for top defensive point accumulations.
GOALTENDING
1. Sitch
2. Burgs
3. Dick Burns
4. Tree Bone
5. Safari
"FIST PUMP!" yelled AznSitch. "Crank up the ---"
SHUT THE FUCK UP, Sitch! Holy hell, stop juicing up every minute. Anyways, Sitch gets the nod again for top spot, this time in goal. He was allotted the #1 spot for having two elites in Lundqist and Rinne, as well as having a decent third goalie in Howard, who I believe will do well in Detroit this year as the Wings are now in the East.
Burgs comes in second with Quick, Crawford and Smith. I contemplated putting him lower due to Smith, but every year Phoenix seems to be written off, yet the goaltending somehow makes it through. I gave Phoenix, and Burgs, the benefit of the doubt.
I give Dick Burns the #3 spot, which is likely to stir up controversy as he only holds two goalies (Rask and Fleury), one of which was almost run out of Pittsburgh during last year's playoff run. However, the Fucking Randy sees Fleury's playoff run as an anomaly, and I think Pittsburgh has enough to get him wins.
"BULLSHIT!" screamed Safari and Tree Bone in unison.
Tree Bone gets the #4 slot, as she has good goalies (Anderson, Niemi and Price) but may not have as great of support from their respective teams.
Safari finishes off at #5, though I do put an asterix beside his name; Bobrovsky was freakishly good last year, and I do think Luongo will outperform most goaltenders this year playing under Tortarella. And, if Philly can play some defense, Emery will be the best sleeper pick in the draft.
OVERALL RANK
Blue = Rank by Position | Orange = Overall Rank
Overall, it appears that Burgs is poised to take the Title Belt away from Sitch this season. That being said, team rosters are bound to switch up during the year, so the combine results really don't mean anything at the end of the day.
"No, no. The results are fantastic. The analysis is flawless; I'll see you select-GMs at next year's Ceremonial Champion's Parade!" said Burgundy.
"Didn't I already point out that combine results are useless?" questioned Dick Burns.
Tavares goes #1; Tree Bone can't figure out team settings.
The Draft for Randy's V commenced today from 3:00PM EDT and ended approximately at 4:00PM EDT, and it was nothing short of spectacular.
"Seconded," said Dick Burns.
The draft was an expansion draft in many different ways, with team Tree Bone joining the ranks in this year's League, as well as the select-GMs agreeing to expand roster positions for C, D, and G. In addition, all select-GMs began this year's draft with a pre-submitted Keeper, a decision which was said to be 'easiest' for one particular select-GM.
"My Crosbone, such a handsome man. Nobody's Keeper compares to mine," chuckled Burgs. "He'll amass the statistics of Gretzky, circa Gretzky's 3D Hockey."
While that prophecy remains to be seen, it was Dick Burns who had the upper hand, at least in the first round, of this year's draft. Said Dick came into this year's draft with two first round picks, one of which came from a trade with Safari during Randy's Redemption.
"Tavares was my top selection," said Dick Burns while sipping a cup-o-Tim's and abusing the free wifi. "I love my two Jo's (Jonathan Toews, his Keeper, and John Tavares). Nobody is deeper at C than Mr. Dick Burns."
Tavares, selected 1st overall, addresses media after the draft.
Burgundy, with the second overall selection, picked up taxi-cab fanatic Patrick Kane, who had a stellar 2013 shortened season.
"With him, and my Crosbone, I'm unstoppable. Sitch can juice up all he wants; he ain't repeating as champ this season."
A pair of goalies were next to be selected; Dick Burns used his second first round pick to select Tuukka Rask, while AznSitch buffed up his goaltending (and team image) by selecting Henrik Lundqvist.
"I had King Henry last year; the guy fucking looks good in net. What can I say? I'm all about image; I'm all about sex appeal; I'm all about them bitties. And who gets bitties? Fuckin' King Henry. Dat'Z RITE!"
"Don't worry ladies - I'll be gentle."
Finishing off round one was new entrant Tree Bone, who used her 5th overall selection to snatch up Erik Karlsson, arguably the most sought after D-man in the draft. Though his season was cut short last year due to injury, he did show promise when he returned for the Senator's playoff run.
"Team Tree Bone is all about the offense," said Tree Bone. Her roster also includes Evgeni Malkin, who was her Keeper pick before the draft. Assuming both Karlsson and Malkin are healthy, she may be able to back up her statement.
Safari, who had his first pick in the second round (8th overall), picked up last year's Norris winner, P.K. Subban. The star D-man was picked behind both Karlsson and Kris Letang (picked up by Sitch one pick ahead), and may be the steal of the draft if he can produce the way he did last year.
"It was a bit nerve-wrecking sitting on the sidelines during round one, but anytime I can get a Norris winner, I'm happy," said Safari. "I'm happy with my selection."
"Say (top) cheese!"
The draft was not all fun and games (events inside the Randy Leagues are rarely 100% gentlemanly and ladylike). During the early rounds, Sitch and Burgs - as always - had their words with one another; one man taunted the fact that he shall never give up Randy's Title Belt, while the other insulted his fitness routines. Safari, always thinking ahead, threw out potential trades moments after the draft, either due to necessity or to see what he could swindle. Dick Burns, quiet and collected as he is, hinted that he's already looking for blockbuster trades. Tree Bone, new to the experience, absorbed it all, noting the catty-like nature of the other four select-GMs.
"It was a bit ridiculous," said Tree Bone. "These are grown men, dealing in a prestigious League; they should be professional. I wasn't expecting such shit-disturbing and chirping."
"You know what's ridiculous? A select-GM who can't figure out her team settings," said Dick Burns.
[Q&A from press conference called by Tree Bone earlier this evening at 20:00 EDT]
Thank you, gentlemen and brothers, for attending this press conference I have called for this evening. As select-GM for Team TB, I'm honored and pleased to join as the fifth member of the Randy Leagues; I thank Randy for the invitation, and wish all fellow select-GMs luck in the upcoming season.
Dreger: Have you selected a Keeper, TB?
Sit down Dreger, you motherfucking jitter-bitch. I'll get to it.
Dreger: Please, we want to know your selection.
Bitch. Fine, I'll reveal it now. I am pleased to announce that, after careful and thorough considerations, I have decided to select Malkin, Evgeni of the Pittsburgh Penguins.
LeBrun: An excellent selection. I just have one question. Do you feel that (LeBrun's cellphone rings) - damn it, hold on one sec. (Picks up phone) Hello? Hey Burgs. Uh huh, yeah... no, sorry, now's not a good time... No, I'm not free for dinner. No, we've... we've been through this. I don't need your PleasureTown. No... No! Seriously, stop call ---
Seriously? Next question.
Dreger: Are you aware of this picture of Malkin?
I don't understand the point of your question.
Dreger: Are you worried he's preoccupied with other endeavors?
Are you fucking kidding me? I applaud this. Why wouldn't any smart select-GM pick a player who can score on the ice and on patio furniture? Seems like a no brainer to me. I guess that's why you'll never be a GM, Dreger.
Dreger: ... I hate you.
Bitch, please. This press conference is over. Next time I call one, please show some more professionalism, jackasses. I expect top-notch journalism, not bullshit TMZ-esque Q&A. Quit being immature. Quit being soft. Quit being JELLY.
TSN's Pierre LeBrun ("Jeah! Pierre!" screeched Burgundy) has informed me that keeper selections have officially been submitted and approved. I will need to check up on this myself, as all Commissioner's are required to fulfill their due diligence. As stated in a previous post, Sitch and Burgs have already submitted their keepers. Word has come out of camp Safari and camp Dick, and their respective selections are:
Safari keeps Ovechkin, Alex.
Photo Credit: Pride Rock Photography
Dick Burns keeps Toews, Jonathan.
Look at those "Captain Serious" eyes.
Wise selections, gentlemen. Very wise. Now all that remains is Tree Bone's keeper selection. Any guesses as to who she shall pick?
"I'll say Malkin. She'd be a retard not to take him," said Safari.
"I'd go with Tavares; he's North American and not prone to injuries," chimed Dick Burns.
"I'd go with scotch. Scotch, scotch, scotch," responded a drunken Burgundy.
"I'd go with Sean Avery," said AznSitch.
Fine recommendations (except you, Sitch). I, personally, would strongly consider drafting a top goaltender, as this year's roster will have two goalie positions, which means that, at minimum, 2 goalies per team x 5 teams = 10 prime goaltenders will be selected. Goalies will likely be a huge factor in this year's pool.
"Don't tell me what to do, buttfucks," said Tree Bone. "Just tell Dick to register for the fucking pool and let's get this thing started."
"Nothin' wrong with being fashionably late," responded Dick.
Wise words, Dick. But seriously, get your registration together!
I apologize, dear readers. My reporting on the 1st Annual General Meeting is slightly late, as the AGM was held a few days ago and I am only reporting on it now. But what can I say? Hot-fuzzed-sex always comes before reporting. There ain't no shame in that.
"Hot Fuzz is a sick movie," says Burgundy.
Noted, Burgs. I will keep this in mind for my next Netflix viewing.
Anyways, to the topic at hand...
The 1st Annual AGM was held this past Sunday, September 1, 2013 at Rare Restaurant & Bar. I literally had to elbow douche bag Darren Dreger out of my way; that son of a bitch loves his fieldwork more than Safari likes his medium roar steaks. But thankfully, I made it in time to attend, and yes, I looked smashing.
Burgs looked classy and clueless (?), Dick looked long and hard, Safari appeared irritated by his hot-crotch-fuzz and Sitch had the Schwarzenegger-tan going on. Tree Bone was notably absent as she had to attend to bigger, blacker business. All select-GMs in attendance appeared happy to see each other, for they had not seen one another in quite some time. That being said, the bunch is never far away from lighting up a few fireworks.
Sitch, winner of Randy's Redemption 2013, obviously carried himself with pride, pissing off Safari as 'pride' technically belongs to a lion's vocabulary. The historic rivalry between Burgs and Sitch also showed off its colours, with Burgs at one point requesting more ketchup in an effort to destroy Sitch's Ed Hardy shirt. Sitch, in response, threatened to order mustard and spoil Burgs' Eddie Bauer undershirt. Dick Burns, on the other hand, appeared quite content and calm, until his order of scallops was rejected; suffice to say, Dick Burns had to man up to man-meat.
Fuck scallops.
"Speaking of which, who would have thought Dick was such a pro on steaks?" commented Safari. "He literally requested the most technical steak I've ever heard."
As the night progressed, several topics were discussed. I won't get into the details here as they are confidential and not made available to the public. However, all select-GMs were issued official AGM packages, so if there is need to review the topics, select-GMs have the necessary materials.
All in all, Randy's V is live and well. Select-GMs are scheduled to make their keeper picks within the day, which should bring some added suspense towards the draft. Sitch has already stated that he will be keeping Stamkos, while Burgs laughed at him and announced his keeping of Crosbone.
"Don't cheat, Stammy. Don't cheat!"
"Don't drink too much Scotch there, Crosby!"
"Comatose Stamkos!" cheered Burgs.
"Sorry, who won last year?" chirped Sitch.
Settle down boys; there will be more time for this later.
"The past means shit, Sitch. Look ahead for who's set up to win this year, aka. look at me."
