Next Question with Dickery Burns

The fourth article of this year's NQ features last year's Participant Certificate winner, Dick Burns. I caught up with Sir Dick on the east coast, hiking along the shorelines of Signal Hill.

Signal Hill, St. John's NFLD.

[the following interview took place on the east coast in the middle of the night on 12/20/2013]

Top of the evening to you, Dickery Burns.

Top of the evening, indeed, Commissioner Randy.

I must say I'm a big fan of this hike. Conducting an interview here is much better than at a GoodLyfe Body Centre. Why have you brought me here?

Oh, no particular reason. (Dick looks out to the open waters) Just thought it'd be a nice setting for this occasion, as well as perhaps find a few nice rocks to take home.

Rocks? You're a collector?

Mmmm... I wouldn't say collector. Gifter, maybe. (Dick leans down, picks up a few flat sedimentary compositions)

Surprising...

Is it? All these ladies and Leslie's keep saying that I'm a hard-rock-cock, so it kind of goes hand in hand, doesn't it?

Can't argue with you there, Dick. So tell me: how are you liking the V thus far?

Let me see... Well, I'm a stone's throw away from first place. I'm rockin' the goalie stats. I feel boulder than I did last season. (chuckles) Oh, how I love puns...

... Dick, what's gotten into you? This is a side of you I've never seen before.

--- Eh? What's that? Oh, nothing at all, really. Just enjoying the view. Anyways, regarding your question about the V: I'm loving the V. I live for trades; I've already successfully pulled the trigger on two this year, so I'm satisfied with how things have progressed.

You and Safari got caught up in the middle of a controversial trade which was later overturned. Any comment on that?

Not particularly, no. I understand League bureaucracies and its review policies. The primary reason for the trade for me was to get rid of Kessel. I just don't beleaf in him (chuckles again) so I wanted to ship him off to someone who would.

What's with you and all these puns, Dick?

I just like my puns. I've become well-practiced in punning (as well as pooning) this year.

You also appear quite flush. Is there a new lady (or ladies) in your life?

Oh Commissioner Randy, I thought this was an interview about the V, not about my P. And by P, I mean Personal life.

It is supposed to be, but NQs are supposed to also give readers an in depth look at select-GMs. You clearly have something up your sleeve and I would love to share it with readers.

I'm going to remain mum for now, if you please, Commissioner Randy. Dick Burns does not kiss, fuck and tell.

Alright then. Well, what else has been going on in your life, besides being flush and collecting rocks?

Speaking of rocks, I've begun rock climbing, and I'm a big fan. It's given me new life; mentally, physically and beyond. I finally understand a woman's love for grabbing onto hard things.

You do look good, Dick. Your forearms are thunderous.

Nice pun.

Thanks. Anything else?

Ok, I'll give the readers a little something. Let's just say I'm not only focusing on the V this time of year. I mean, I love the V, but my life also requires some attention once in a while. And, I think I've finally found something that will tickle my fancy. I'm in the midst of attempting a real-life rom-com, but it's worth the shot. I may be putting my dick in the middle of a haystack, but I'm hung like a horse so the risk is worth the potential ride. Is that enough meat for your story?

Spot the Dick.

There's never enough meat, Dick.

That's what ---

"---she said." I know.

That was well done like a steak.

You're too clever, Dick.

Thank you. Anything else you'd like to ask me?

Not really. (looks behind Dick) WTF?! Is that a coyote?!

(Dick throws his rocks)

Or is it a lynx?

WK12 - Happy Holidays from Randy

Happy Holidays!

Commissioner Randy will be out of commission for the next few days. I hope everyone else is also out of commission; put down your iPhones, tablets and high tech devices and exchange them for time with family and friends. No need to worry about your fantasy scores; there shall be no games in the coming days. Take time off from this stressful V and grab some personal V time.

Here are the visuals from last week. No commentary provided; all staff (aka. Pierre McGuire and myself) are on holiday!

Cordially,

Commissioner Randy

Next Question with Ronald Burgundy

The third article of this year's NQ features last year's bronze medalist, Ron Burgundy. I sat down with the Burgs after the premiere of ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES.

[the following interview took place at AMC Yonge & Dundas on 12/19/2013]

 Hello there, Mr. Burgundy.

Jeah!

You've been a busy man with Anchorman 2 and the V.

Jeah, it's been a wet-and-wild ride, Commissioner. And, let's not forget that I am now an MPA, so I now must also acknowledge my responsibilities of being a higher class citizen.

I'm sorry?

Well, my Master in Penial Analytics comes with great power, you see. And with great power, comes a higher class citizen.

I think it's "With great power, comes great responsibility," Burgs.

Is it? (checks PromptApp) Oh my, isn't that bodacious? I always thought it was "higher class citizen" in my head. My bad! Wait... My bad? Bad! Bad? Bad! Fuck this PromptApp is confusing.

Why don't you continue the interview without it for now, Burgs. So, how are you liking the V?

Oh my, do I love it! Mrs. Corningston is simply a peach; she's got just the right fuzz, she's ripe for ---

Burgs, I was referring to Randy's V, as in Randy's Five. Not your significant other's V.

But... but Veronica and I had SEX! We have SEX all the time!

The 'Before' shot.

... Good for you? Sorry Burgs; this interview is really for Randy's V. Veronica doesn't have any relation to Randy's V whatsoever.  

Oh falafels! Fine, I won't talk about her.

Good. So, the V. You were projected to finish first overall in the Combine, but you've had more than your share of bad luck. Are you feeling the heat?

With Veronica, I can always feel the heat.

Alright this is your last warning.

Alright alright! Yes, I'm feeling the heat in the V. ("Jeah!" said Dick Burns) Other than my precious Crosbone and my higher class Citizen Kane, I feel the heat. There's just a lack of production on my team. My PPGP is way off League standards, and despite my decent winning percentage, my goalies let in shitloads of goals and have low save percentages. So yes, I'm feeling the heat.

Think you'll turn it around?

Hard to say. We're about a week away from the halfway mark; it'll soon be time to go full out (acquire players) or to start putting out (dish out players). I continue to debate this daily.

Any luck in trading so far?

Not yet. Obviously I've had talks with Safari, but I've also been in negotiations with Tree Bone and Sitch. I recently submitted a proposal to Sitch, but that bitch-ass-mother-boner only cares about how good looking the players are; what a shallow butt-fuck.

Shallow, yes. But his PPGP leads the League.

Well ain't that just peachy? Listen, I'm all for efficiency, but what the hell do you expect when you bench players 24/7? Fuckin' Sitch's-a-Bitch.

Calm yourself, Burgs. So besides the V, Veronica's V and Anchorman 2, what are you up to these days?

I'm focused on aging like a fine liquor. With an MPA under my belt, it'll only be a matter of time before various peni wish to be analyzed by these guns. (Burgundy curls his biceps) I'm job hunting, but I know that I'm also being head hunted. I'm already a seasoned professional in the television industry, but the MPA is a whole other animal and I plan on putting my best 'stache forward. I'm also getting my dress on, i.e. looking sexy, mastering the art of the double windsor, shoe-treeing, etc.

Sounds like you've got quite a wardrobe amassing.

Jeah, Commissioner. Jeah!

Last question - Wed, Bed, Fed or Dead: Dick Burns, Tree Bone, Sitch and Safari. Go.

WED - As Veronica is already a hand full, I do not see the need to add another V to my life. Therefore, I'm going to go against the grain and not say Tree Bone in this case. I'll say Safari. I've lived with him before and he's quite easy to live with. Doesn't get in the way, helps out around the house, good conversationalist... I'd go with Safari.

BED - The entire East coast is boasting about Dick Burns; since I have yet to see his burns I guess I'll say I'd bed Team DB. I'd love to get the chance to play tuggies with Dick.

FED - Tough one. I'd feed Sitch; academically, he's a non-contributor to society, so he's gotta go. All he does is 'pump' and down protein. I'd gladly feed him.

Which leaves Tree Bone for dead?

Jeah, well, her team's been crushing it lately. Someone's gotta slow her down. Speaking of down, I think it's my turn to go down on Veronica tonight...

That's it. This interview is over.

What!....?

The 'After' shot.

WK11 - Oh the Monstrosity!

Before I begin this week's stats report, Burgundy would like to go on record for comment.

"Ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows," said Burgundy, swaying his hands rhythmically.

Right he is. After last week's lackluster point production from all select-GMs, WK11 showed monstrous ebb and flow; the average point accumulation by each select-GM erected to 166.01 fantasy points, compared to last week's flaccid 106.61 fantasy points. Bringing home the most bacon this week was Sitch, who topped up 171.95 fantasy points. Kudos, Sitch.

"Don't praise me yet. I still have to deal with an underperforming King," commented Sitch, clearly unhappy with the performance of Lundqvist, his first selection in the 2013 V draft. "He's been looking like a real Baratheon lately."

Lundqvist's performance: fat and ugly.

All select-GMs are dealing with shortcomings one way or the other, Sitch. You are no different.

Now, I know what you're all thinking. I titled this post "Oh the Monstrosity!" which begs to question whether Pierre McGuire will be making an appearance. The Fucking Randy will not disappoint.

"Monster!"

Here are this week's visuals:

I"ll let Pierre McGuire take it from here. What have we learned, Pierre?

Adds McGuire:

TREE BONE - What a fine-young-woman. FYW, FYW. Her ship continues to steer itself, Commissioner Randy. Her scoring numbers are keeping up with League averages, and her goaltending is second best. Kopitar, Perry and Marleau are especially worth noting, considering the fact that they averaged close to 5 PPGP in the last week. That's some mighty fine efficiency going on there. Reports are also indicating that Malkin's injury is not serious, which must be a sigh of relief for team Tree Bone.

"I'm relieved," said Tree Bone from her Brother-Nation home. "The throne is mine to lose, and I do not intend on loosening my grip. I've grabbed some mighty big things with these two hands, and this throne shall not slip from my grip."

"I've grabbed some mighty big things."

DICK BURNS - I absolutely love what Dick Burns has been doing the last few weeks. LOVE IT! He jumped out of the gates early on with massive points, but there were whispers going about that it was due to playing too many games up front. Well, he's scaled back, applied sound bench management, and now he's got a more reasonable projected maximum games played, with the exception of C (projected to be +25 games). He's got a few games in hand from Tree Bone, most of which comes from his goalies. Assuming his goalie tandem continues, he could challenge for the throne any given week.

"Anyone want to trade for centres?" asked Dick.

AFRICAN LION SAFARI - The musical chairs continue at Camp Safari, who has yet again made tending changes. He's picked up interim tender Martin Jones of the LA Kings and also hopes to cash in with Jonas Hiller while the Ducks keep rolling.

"I'm actually kind of happy with my roster presently," said Safari. "I might not change my roster for a full 24 hours."

Always thinking, Safari is.

I wouldn't dub Safari my patented "fine-young-[insert man/woman]" status just yet, but he's coming close. If Safari's goalie swaps can finally solve his issues in the net, I think he's headed in the right direction. Looking at his rainbow, he's in the red in most tending categories, so his latest move could be a big one should the Kings and Ducks continue to play well.

AZNSITCH - He brought home the most bacon this week, but it didn't come without some lumps. His Super Saturday was an absolute flop, and if not for a few key weekly performances in Sharp, Giroux and Luongo, he would have had a substandard week. As mentioned earlier, Lundqvist has been weighing down Team Sitch since the start of the season, and it appears there is no end in sight for this funk he's in.

"I'm out of ideas," said Sitch. "He's a first overall pick; I can't drop him. I can't trade him either because no one will give me anything substantial, and why would they? The stats don't demand that kind of return. Finally, he's just too damn good looking to drop."

"Nope, can't drop him," said Sitch.

I would feel for Sitch if he was doing worse, but when you look at his team's performance, his numbers aren't bad. Plus, I like his approach in picking up Olympic-hopeful Jonathan Quick; reports indicate he's well into practice mode and will be ready before December's end. This could be a potential solution to Lundqvist's shortcomings.

RON BURGUNDY - Big Burgundy came in with the lowest fantasy point accumulations this week at 148.45 fantasy points.

"True," said Burgundy, "but you have to remember that Neal is out. Had he been playing, he probably would have amassed at least 20 fantasy points, bringing my total to around 170 for the week."

That might be true. Neal, still serving out the remainder of his suspension, was a monster earlier when he returned from injury, and his absence on left wing has left Team Burgundy out to dry. In addition, his goalie situation has worsened due to the injury to Crawford. As the V approaches the mid-mark, I have to think Burgundy is thinking either (1) rebuild, or (2) high-octane trades.

"Fuckin' Sitch and his goalie hoarding... fuckin' hate that meat-head," said Burgundy.

Well, that's all for me. McGuire, signing off!

***

Until next time, gentleman and lady.

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy

Next Question with African Lion Safari

The second artcile of this year's NQ features last year's Redemption Finalist, African Lion Safari. I caught up with Safari at his home, where he served delicate medium-rare meats and bloody Red Bulls.

African "Silver Lion" Safari

[the following interview took place in the home of African Lion Safari on 12/13/2013]

Greetings once again, African Lion Safari.

Hello to you, Commissioner Randy. Or as we say in the pride lands, "Roar." Welcome to my home. You may sit anywhere the light touches.

How Disney of you.

Thanks. Or as we say in the pride lands, "Roar."

... No need for the translations. I think English will suffice for this Next Question series.

... So be it.

Now, how do you like the V?

I'm loving it. I'm in many fantasy leagues, but hockey is where my passion lies, and the Randy Leagues is where I put forth my best effort. Nothing would please me more than to win this League outright; it is my bloody wish that I win this year.

Think you can do it? You've been unofficially dubbed the "Silver Lion", as you are notorious for finishing second.

Yeah, I'm aware of that moniker. Listen, I believe consistency is important; finishing second is no easy task in this League. Like all select-GMs, I get nervous about finishing last, which is quite possible in any fantasy league because shit is so unpredictable. Therefore, I should look at my consistent silvers as a plus.

However, nobody remembers second place. It's kind of like the Ottawa Senators back in the 90s and early 2000s; they were consistent, made the playoffs, but never won a damn thing. Who remembers a consistent team? Nobody. You only remember champions.

Wise words, wise words. Your team has a lot going for you. What do you think are your assets?

My freaking mane, no doubt. Long, bushy; it should rival Dick Burns' dick burns. I don't know why everyone thinks his hairs are such a big deal; my mane is just as amazing.

#NoFilter

By assets, I wasn't really referring to your physique. I was thinking more like your team roster, general management skills, etc.

Oh, my apologies. Well, I have to say my entire team isn't necessarily an asset; they've given me some grey (mane) hairs. I'll tell it like it is (unlike some other select-GMs): I wasn't happy with my drafting. I think I was too tired when it started. Or I ate some bad meat. One of the two. Anyway, I was scrambling. Like last year, Sitch fucking took some of the players I wanted so badly. I think that's why I've changed rosters so much. It's also the primary reason I've been in most trade discussions.

The stats don't lie. According to Yahoo! you've had 30 roster moves so far. Surprised at all?

ROAR! Oops, sorry, just yawning. Thirty moves? Meh, not exactly surprised. I'm like the jungle, you know? I go with the winds of change. I adapt, I think outside the box. I'm not rigid in my ways, so I make a lot of moves.

Got any trades on the horizon?

Always, Commissioner Randy. Al-the-fucking-ways.

Care to go into detail?

I like to remain in the tall grass. I will say this though; I'm openly looking at all potential offers. I had been the talks with Sitch a few weeks ago about a potential goalie swap, but things haven't materialized.

Speaking of Sitch, you're currently jockeying for third/fourth position with him. Does his team or any other team scare you?

It's the fucking Tree Bone. I can't believe what she's done. She doesn't trade, rarely makes any moves... it's insane. I know I was dubbed Stealth of the Quarter, but I seriously think Tree Bone deserves it too. She's just been so quiet and consistent. I know Sitch still rules in PPGP, but Tree Bone isn't behind in games, which means she's banked what she's earned. Sitch's team is threatening because of his 'projected' numbers; but we are all familiar with projections (see Patrick Stefan).

What are you implying?

Next question.

Alright then. Wed, Bed, Fed or Dead: Dick Burns, Tree Bone, Sitch and Burgundy. Go.

WED - I'd go with Tree Bone. We go way back; we've always been peas and carrots.

"We was like peas and carrots." - Forrest Gump

BED - I was going to say Dick, but I think the idea of his burns and my mane would be too much; the post-sex clean-up would be too hairy and messy. The sheets would probably look like carpet, and we'd definitely clog the sink when we are freshening up. So, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say Burgundy. He can take me to Pleasure Town.

FED - Roar this is a tough one. I'd feed Sitch, not because he said he'd slaughter me in his NQ, but because he's a meat-head; his meat would probably be the healthiest to feed out of all select-GMs.

Which means you'd leave Dick Burns for dead?

Guess so, right? All part of the game. Seems a bit cruel though, as the only reason why he's left for dead is because I didn't want to clean up the mess we would have made if we bumped uglies.

"It's alright, Safari," said Dick Burns. "I wouldn't want to clean up that shit either."

Wise words, Dick. We'll leave it there, Safari. Thanks for your time, and best of luck in the V.

Next Question with AznSitch

Welcome to the second annual edition of Next Question (NQ). For those who remember last year's NQ series, you will remember that it was an absolute success, both within the Redemption and on an international scale. I've been told that the quality of journalism put into the NQs was sublime, unparalleled and motivational. It is my hope that this second edition will not only maintain, but surpass previous achievements.

This year, we will begin NQ with last year's winner, AznSitch. Like last year, I caught up with Sitch at one of his GoodLyfe Body Centres to talk about the V. I had requested a different location - one that required a jacket and tie, perhaps - but Sitch pleaded to have it at his GoodLyfe Body Centre so he could adhere to both his rigorous body plan as well as fulfill his duties as a select-GM. In this rare instance, I obliged to the meat head.

"Selfie!" - Sitch, circa 1999.

[ the following interview took place on 12/06/2013, GoodLyfe Body Centre]

Sitch, great to see you again.

Always a pleasure, Mr. Fucking Randy. Hazzz!

That's quite the photo you have there from 1999. I see it's the main mural at this GoodLyfe Body Centre.

GBC, Mr. Fucking Randy. GBC. That's what we call it (GoodLyde Body Centre) here. No need for the extra syllables; most of my clientele can't even speak proper English. So we pumpers just call it GBC.

Sorry, clientele? Can't speak English? And what the hell are pumpers?

Hazzz! Sorry, bro; the lingo is a bit different ya?! Pumpers is just a term for phys ed aficionados. What do this aficionados do? They werk (bitch). They squeeze. They pump. AND THEY NEVER FUCKIN' CHEAT. No cheatin'! No cheatin'!

... Thank you for that. Let's get back to the mural on the wall.

OK - that mural is of me from 1999, like you said. I was just a little twerp of a kid back then; small, yellow, and with no real clue of how to apply my physical self into physical success. I took stupid pictures of my skinny bod and thought I was the shit. I keep this mural to remind myself (as well as my meat-hoes) just how far I've come; from a yellow twerp to a fitness phenom, AND Randy League champion. It motivates me, HAZZZ!

Speaking of Champion, how does it feel to carry that title with you, belt and all?

Seriously Commissioner Randy, I have this to say: it weighs on me like a pair of 45lb plates. I know I shouldn't be complaining about being a defending champion. Most select-GMs will never get to touch the title belt because it ain't in their DNA, so I should be grateful that mother nature has given me such fine tools to become a champion.

"My off day," says Sitch.

You are a tool, indeed.

Hazzz!... Wait, is dat a good ting?

(sigh)... You were saying?

Right, like I was saying, I shouldn't complain about being a champion. But you know me; I'm a fitness phenomenon. I live and breathe competition. I do not plan on meeting expectations, I want to (bench) press beyond them. The odds are definitely stacked against me in terms of repeating as champion. It's a tough task to do. But, I've been on top, and I want to be on top again. If I can curl 55lbs, I want to keep curling 55lbs. Plain and simple. My opinion on the V is the same; if I could win it once, I better win it again.

I must admit your dedication to the League is admirable. What do you think of your strategy so far?

Honestly, I'm disappointed. Sitting on top of Burg's is nice ("That's what she said!" yelled Dick) but it isn't as satisfying as it looks. And he's got a pretty thick mustache so sitting on his face tickles a bit.

"Oh yeah das naiiice..." - Anonymous.

You are fucking nasty, Sitch.

I'm just telling it like it is, Commissioner Randy. Anyway, I love numbers, so my strategy tries to reflect that. I always analyze my protein, vitamin, fluid and meat intake; I do the same with the V. I'm always looking at trying to perform the most efficiently, aka. PPGP. I know in the long run efficiency matters, so I'm trying to minimize risk while maximizing potential. A hard task to do, but that's how I play the V.

Have you succeeded?

One could say that I have; my PPGP is the highest, and I've got plenty of games in hand to make up ground. On the other hand, I've sucked meat-balls; I'm 4th in the League, and I have a lot of underperformers. My goalies, ranked first in the Combine, are horrendous, and my forwards have trailed off in recent weeks.

Are you hopeful that you will turn things around?

I have to. Whether I'm squatting, crunching, ThunderZoning or in the V, I need to keep positive and focus. There's no limit to what the human body can achieve, and that includes my positive thinking. I believe my strategy is sound. If I don't win, it will not be because I effed up; it will be because I was unlucky. That is all.

Speaking of unlucky, how did you feel when you saw Burgundy's team flounder during the preliminary stages?

You'd think that I was happy, with the history Burgs and I have had. But I will say this, I wasn't celebrating with protein popery. I was concerned for Burgs; nobody wants to see a team decimated by injuries. I felt for the bro. And look, I've got injuries of my own with Stamkos and Rinne out. Shit happens, but that doesn't mean you can laugh at other people. I'm happy that he's surged a bit.

Noble words. Now time for a fun question. Wed, Bed, Fed or Dead: Dick Burns, Tree Bone, Safari and Burgundy. Go.

WED - Obviously I'm a man. Heterosexual man. Therefore, I gotta go with Tree Bone as she's got the V for my P.

BED - Dick Burns. Honestly, with all them sorority chicks screaming for his dick, he's gotta be good. Plus, I want to see his serious dick burns. Being from the Orient, I'm pretty hairless, so hair in general is exotic to yours truly.

FED - I'd feed Safari. He's done enough killing in the wild; it's about time he be slaughtered for feeding. I know, I know, this is cruel, but it's the circle of life, bitch!

Which leaves Burgundy for dead?

Big surprise; Sitch wants Burgs dead. With our historic past and endless beefs, it had to be him.

Are you sure it's not because Burgundy can grow a stash, whereas you can't even grow pubic hair?

FUCK COMMISSIONER RANDY! Why you so smart?

Let's leave it there. Thanks, Sitch.

Hazzz! Anytime Commissioner!

WK10 - Slowin' Down

We're 10 weeks into the V. A long fucking time. Smelly, too.

"Disgusting!" yelled Tree Bone.

I feel like the last few weeks have been sort of a blur; a slowdown of sorts. Teams inside the V are holding steady, but nobody seems to be making fantasy fireworks. A select-GM may stand tall one night, only to fall victim to ebbs and flows the following evening.

"Fuckin' ebbs and flows," said Sitch.

Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Nothing too fancy, right? What I find interesting is that Tree Bone and Dick Burns were this week's lowest fantasy point producers (92.80 points and 96.90 points, respectively), and Burgundy came in as this week's top fantasy point producer (124.05 points). It must feel good to come in as the week's top bread earner after getting chirped last week by Tree Bone, eh Burgs?

"Oh, jeah, absolutely," said Burgundy. "That damn Tree Bitch thinks she can speak to Sir Burgundy like that - absolutely insulting. She's a rookie in this League; doesn't even understand how this fucking V is a marathon. This ain't no BPC, as they say in the Orient."

"You fucking watch yourself on who you call Orient," said Sitch. "We prefer the term SWAG (something we Asians got)."

Bottom left: Sitch

Burgs and Sitch: please hold your tongues. I don't want this report turning into a racial war. Let's just look at the numbers and see what they tell us, alright?

TREE BONE

Tree Bone has returned to the top and held the position for two weeks. With Dick Burns still tight on her ass, she'll need to find additional support. She can thank her goaltending for keeping her atop the V; Price and the Canadiens have been unreal. Her rainbow looks healthy; no red with improving goalie colours. And, she's proven to be one of the more efficient select-GMs; she's currently second in terms of PPGP (3.39).

Adds McGuire: I agree. Tree Bone has been demonstrating phenomenal management; she's such a fine-young-woman. But with Malkin sidelined (again) it'll be hard for her to keep up her offensive statistics, and her earlier drop of Giroux might cost her a bit of depth at centre. She's definitely in good shape though and as long as she continues to play smart, she'll play smartly.

Play smart, play smartly. How insightful, Pierre.

DICK BURNS

While Dick has been kicked out of first place, he still sports a decent PPGP (3.33) and dummies the goalie category (what else is new?). However, with so many games played, the back end of the season may be a stressful one as he may see the other select-GMs playing catch up. His one trick pony (aka. Rask/Fleury combo) hasn't faulted him yet, but one must wonder if the magic can last.

Adds McGuire: Bang on, Fucking Randy. Every team has its issues, and Dick Burns is no different. Does he have an issue with his goaltending? Maybe; he's got the numbers so far, but an injury or a bad streak could cost him dearly. Does he have an issue with his defense? Maybe; he traded for great players (see Keith and Byfuglien) but they've produced very little in the last week. Does he have an issue with wingers? Maybe; his best producers are DTD and the rest are dormant. That's a lot of "maybe's", Commissioner Randy. And when you have a lot of "maybe's", you have a lot of doubt. A McGuire monster has no doubt!

Fuck McGuire... you sure like repeating your questions.

AFRICAN LION SAFARI

Safari was one of the more consistent select-GMs of the week; he did not suffer a significant change in his PPGP (a difference of -0.01 week-over-week), and he had his share of producers, including Seguin who had a three-goal performance the other night. But, he's flipped his roster more times than Britney's flipped on her back; what's up with that?

Werk it.

Adds McGuire: It's his nature. I've known Safari for a few years now; I knew him when he was managing in junior; I knew him when he was in the pipelines of Hockey Finland; I knew him as a scout for the World Juniors. No one studies the game harder than this buttercup. It's a testament to his dedication; it's a testament to his grit; it's a testament to his character. He's simply not happy with his roster and he's willing to commit to change. I know for a fact that he's looking for potential trade partners, but no one seems to want to dance with him just yet. His team's got some fine pieces; I think he just needs a little more glue to hold it together.

AZNSITCH

Sitch still holds ground on PPGP, but is it time to bite the bullet and start playing more games regularly? I mean seriously; a high PPGP will not win you the V. It will make you a threat, and it will make you feel good about your bench management ("JEAH! Bench management! I came up with that!" fist-pumped Pierre), but it won't win you the title belt.

Adds McGuire: Valid point, Commissioner Randy. But I don't think Sitch should hit the panic button just yet. Sure, his team had a sub-par week, but overall he's put in a decent campaign so far and his roster has a lot of weapons. Like Glenn said (before you fired his ass) a few weeks ago, Sitch theoretically has a dynamite goalie roster, and if they eventually come to mid-season form, I think he can make a serious challenge. In addition, Sitch plays the numbers game very well; he looks to pick up under-performers as opposed to chasing hot-streak players. If he waits long enough, I think he can make a serious push.

RON BURGUNDY

I applaud Sir Bugs this week has he was the only shining light this week. He was the only select-GM to improve his PPGP (+0.02), and looking at the overall charts you can see that his statistics are beginning to normalize. It appears that the start of his season was in fact an anomaly.

Adds McGuire: I love his roster on paper. He has elites in Crosbone and Kane, and his supporting cast has been doing their job in the last week. But, that Boston-Pittsburgh game was ugly, and Neal may be disciplined for his actions. It may slow down the Burg Surge which would be a shame.

"A shame, yes," said a courteous Dick Burns. "But that knee from Neal was dirty. One of the dirtiest I've ever seen. I hope Neal gets what he deserves; a hefty suspension."

Wise words, Dick.

WK9 - Bone Density

You've been Dick Boned.

You've been Tree Boned.

See the pattern here?

Another week in the V; another week of Dick and Tree trading the top two spots. However, as McGuire so delicately puts it, Tree Bone had a particularly monstrous week.

Adds McGuire: Indeed she has, Commissioner Randy. Look at her statistics; 185.25 points earned week-over week, best in the League. She's such a fine-young-woman; she's really establishing herself as one of the elites in this group of select-GMs. A graduate and product of McMaster and Queen's University, she's clearly demonstrated her smarts and skill, from developing phenomenal puck-distributors (see Malkin) to exercising sound bench-management. Tree Bone fans, get excited (!), because this team is the real deal!

"Check out the thickness of this trunk!" says Pierre.

Aside, here are this week's visuals.

 "You see that PPGP spike of mine?" asked Burgundy, rhetorically. "That's some blow-jammin' happening. My team's going to blow to the upside soon enough. Watch yourselves, gentlemen and lady, because Big Burgs is ... coming?" (#PromptAppFail)

"Oh, Burgs, you and your nominal accomplishments," said Tree Bone backhandedly. "You've been Crosboned since you finished first in the controversial Combine."

Watch what you say, Tree Bone. The Combine results are part of the game.

"No, I'm serious. His team has done nothing except show up for the Combine. He hasn't had consistency; he's only surged in the last two weeks; and he's only just made it to Club G. Which reminds me; I should probably say congratulations to Burgundy for amassing 1,000 fantasy points. Welcome to the big leagues, Burgs. Welcome to manhood. Now all you have to do is wait for the fur to grow on your tiny kiwis and you'll be able to call yourself a man playing among elites."

 Holy hell, Tree Bone. Where did this shit-talking come from?

Adds McGuire: I love it! I love her composure; I love her tenacity, ferocity and her poise! What a fine-young-woman! What a fine-young-woman!

Okay okay that's enough McGuire. Let's just leave it at that. Looks like the League is finally showing its true colours. Until next time, select-GMs (both elites and otherwise).

Cordially,

- Commissioner Randy