WK23 - Ooh It's Kinda Crazy

It's official.

AznSitch has tied the record for most consecutive weeks at number one. He has now sat atop the rankings for eight weeks consecutive, which matches the record set by Burgundy during Randy's Redemption 2013. It's kinda crazy no?

"Ooh it's (definitely) kinda crazy!" responded Safari.

"What can I say?" said Sitch rhetorically. "No one does it better than Abdom-Phenom! Hazzz!"

(Sidenote: Hat tip to Safari for reminding me of Soul Decision earlier this week. S to the D is absolutely unreal.)

"Fucking LOVE the Soul Decision puns, Morpheus Randy," said Dick Burns, via telegraph from England. "Cheerio!"

"Fucking LOVE S'ing D!" said Burgundy.

"... ewe that's gross!" said Tree Bone.

"I think he's saying 'Jeah!'" chimed in Burgs.

Thanks for the input, gentlemen and lady, but this is getting a wee bit too X-rated; let's not get too hot and sticky so soon.

Moving on, Sitch can thank Lundqvist, Giroux and Stamkos for putting up admirable weeks. After slow starts to the season, Lundqvist and Giroux have been putting up prime numbers since January, and Stamkos looks to be running smooth after returning from surgery. 

Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

"Though numbers fascinate me, I must admit I am more curious to hear about what has happened to Sir Dickery Burns as of late," said Tree Bone. "What's up with that big Dick?"

Well, like I mentioned in a previous post, Dick has crossed the Atlantic, visiting some tail in England. Apparently, this piece of tail is sublime, a mare-iage worthy bitty, or, dare I say, a needle in a haystack.

"Oh, your reference to horses and haystacks are too much for me!" said Dick.

But it hasn't been all fun and games for Dick Burns over the last few weeks. I was informed earlier this month that Dick Burns had once again suffered a mild upper body injury, aka. a concussion. Sources have indicated that he suffered the injury while at home. Dick Burns, still getting accustomed to his new digs in St. Johns, was walking around his flat when he mistakenly bumped his noggin on a low beam. It resulted in a mild concussion, which almost cost him his trip to England. Thankfully, he was able to recover from the injury and has been thrusting in full force.

"Good to hear you're alright, DB."

"Yup, that's exactly what happened," said Dick Burns. "It's slightly embarrassing, but it could have been much worse. I'm only looking forward, and from what I can see, everything is coming up Dick!"

"... ewe that's gross!" said Tree Bone.

Dear lord Tree Bone, can't you think of something else to say?! Until next time,

the Fucking Randy

WK22 - Love is All You Need

I hate to say it, but this V is actually winding up. It has been a gracious giver, not having closed her doors (ewe!) for more than seven months. But now as we get down to the last month or so, I can't help but feel a bit melancholy.

"'Es OK," said a close friend of mine.

Everybody needs some Juan.

For those of you who don't get the reference, please crawl out of your cave and watch some sublime ABC trash television. The Fucking Randy knows good trash television when he sees it, and the Bachelor is no exception. What better way to celebrate love then via a game of Survivor meets polygamy?

That being said, I do believe that, in this world, love is all you need.

"Hey! That's the title of this blog post!" chest-pumped Sitch.

How observant, you meat-fuck.

Despite the absolute hilarity and addictive trash I witnessed on the Bachelor, love is indeed all you need in this world. And I do think the V demonstrates this very well. I mean, for the first time in what I feel like is eternity, all select-GMs are happy, in love, and well. How nice is that? (no sarcasm)

Aside, here are the stats, courtesy of the stats machine: 

I shall step away from my normal statistical analysis this week for a few reasons. One, I'm tired, and I don't think I can muster up the energy to deal with Pierre's insider reports ("Nooo!" cried Pierre). Second, I'm feeling anti-vulgar today (shocking, I know). Maybe it's because the days are getting longer, or maybe it's because Dick Burn's informed me that he has once again gone MIA, this time making his way across the Atlantic to visit his previous mate.

"Cheerio!" said Dick as he left the sweet eastern harbor.

I'm happy for you, Dick. 

I'm happy for you too, Burgs. 

I'm happy for you as well, Sitch.

I'm happy, as always, for you, Tree Bone.

I'm happy as can be for you, Safari.

Be happy, my good select-GMs, at your fortunes.

Cordially,

Morpheus Randy

WK21 - GM's Quarterly III

Welcome to a special edition of the weekly stats report. WK21 happened to land on the third quarter of the season, so this week's stats report will double as GM's Quarterly III. How awesome is that?

"I'd go as far as saying it's as awesome as Clooney," said Burgundy.

I couldn't agree more. Anyways, this quarter spans from January 5, 2014 to March 9, 2014. Ready, gentlemen and lady?

"Let's get to it."

First off: weekly stats report. The biggest headline in my opinion for this week was Dick Burn's decision to trade away Tuukka Rask to Team Safari. Dick was cruising the entire season with two monstrous goalies ("Moster!" yelled Pierre), without a care in the world to find a third string tender, but now he's decided to say "fuck off" to goalies in general; he's now running with one (Fleury).

"I live for trades," said Dick Burns. "No trade is out of the question when you deal with me."

Has the trade paid off for Safari, who is gunning for top spot? Let's take a look:

I will say this: Safari's goalie rainbow is looking a lot better than it used to. In fact, he only sports one red-bloodied figure (GAA). He's been able to rise up in all other categories, and may even eventually obtain a few shades of green if his goalies continue to perform the way they have. The only downside I see here is that Safari is fourth in PPGP (3.31), trailing Sitch (1st at 3.54), Dick (2nd at 3.35) and Tree Bone (3rd at 3.32).

Adds McGuire: And there's more bad news for those chasing Sitch. After two subpar weeks in the V, Sitch was once again this week's top performer, amassing a whopping 169.45 points this week, slightly ahead of Safari who had 166.75 points. And Sitch did this while boosting his PPGP week over week, so it's not like he had any underperforming players. He clocked in a solid, MONSTROUS week!

But what about the quarter? Let's dish out some awards.

GM OF THE QUARTER - AZNSITCH

(Honourable mention: African Lion Safari)

Last quarter this award was a toss-up between Sitch and Burgs. This quarter, the race was tight once again, with Sitch just edging out Safari.

"Absolute balls!" roared Safari.

I know, Safari, I know. Pierre will tell you why.

Adds McGuire: Thanks Commissioner Randy. Sitch edged out Safari just by a whisker. If we were to look purely at points gained, they were close; Sitch brought home just over 50 more points than Safari, which isn't a whole lot over a quarter when you think about it. Safari's change in PPGP over the quarter was -0.02, which was better than Sitch who came in at -0.05. Both men, however, moved up two spots in the rankings, which is very impressive. But when it came down to dishing out the award, it had to be given to Sitch because he absolutely demolished the PPGP stat this quarter; he came in at 3.47, whereas Safari came in second with 3.28. Tree Bone was next best at 3.21, followed by Dick Burns at 3.09 and Burgundy at 3.04.

Thanks Pierre. Here are the visuals:

BUTT-FUCKED OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Burgundy)

Remember when Dick Burns sat atop the standings? Seems like a while ago eh?

"You don't need to remind me," said Dick Burns.

The last time Dick Burns sat atop the rankings was January 5, 2014, which is over two months ago (and also when the last GM's Quarterly was published). He's taken a huge fall since the last quarter, most of which is due to injury. Datsyuk and Zetterberg, who were both cashing in hard earlier in the season, have been hit with long term injuries and cost Team DB dearly. Already struggling to find offense, Dick Burns was left out to dry when the two players hit the IR.

Adds McGuire: It's unfortunate to see these two fine young men be sidelined. But, I shouldn't be saying young men. They are not young anymore, and when you're not young, you're susceptible to injury. Dick went with stability and a proven track record when selecting these two players; it was not a bad strategy by any means, but it comes with risk as these guys are aging.

If Dick Burns doesn't turn things around, he may be caught with his pants down at seasons-end. Or, maybe he'll be caught wearing a dress. Kind of like this guy... (WTF?)

F.Y.M. OF THE QUARTER - AFRICAN LION SAFARI

(Honourable mention: NA)

By FYM, I mean "Fine-Young-Man". ("That's my line!" cried McGuire) I'm giving this award to Safari. I have spoken to him on several occasions throughout this quarter and I was thrilled to hear that he had decided to make some changes in his life to better his health. Safari took it upon himself to eat better, exercise more and live a better lifestyle.

Artist's conception.

"Jeah buddy! Jeah!" fist-pumped Sitch, tearing off his shirt in excitement. "Let's go pump some Fe (iron) right now, bra!"

Fuck Sitch; sit the fuck down and put your shirt back on. By the way, how the hell does a meathead like Sitch know the periodic symbol for iron?

Anyways, I've seen Safari's sexy, sexy transformation in just a short two months. It's nothing short of spectacular, and I am so happy for him. And he's an example of excellence.

"It's really not about the weight," said Safari, speaking to a crowd of GNC reps trying to sign him up for sponsorship. "It's about living right. Eat right, sleep right, feel right. You don't need to starve yourself, purge yourself, etc. All you need is a sound mind, realistic expectations and a good support group. If you want to make changes in your life, do it now. Don't wait for the next New Year's resolution, the next month, or the next anything. Just do it (no Nike infringement). Now."

Hopefully his players can look at his self-betterment as motivation to stay competitive in this last quarter; perhaps Safari can finally shake off the silver lining he's been accustomed to and bring home some gold!

That's all for this week, gentlemen and lady. Prepare for the final push.

Cordially,

Commissioner Randy

Deal Makers and Back Breakers

My goodness; a few days can change a lot in the V.

"That sounds smelly," said Burgundy.

Jeah, indeed. I wouldn't say that things have become 'smelly' in the V, but the word interesting comes to mind. Interesting, and suspenseful. Let's get down to the Deal Breaker and the Back Breaker that's surfaced in the last 48 hours.

DEAL MAKERS - Safari, Dick

Once again, fuckin' Dick Burns is on the trading floor executing transactions left, right and beneath women's belts, thrusting his players into the fire and coming up with some building blocks of his own. His longtime trading partner, African Lion Safari, is once again his dance partner, and they've both offered up a lot. Here's the deal:

Dick trades - Tuukka Rask, sixth round draft pick (2014)

Safari trades - Zach Parise, third round draft pick (2014)

What do we think about this? Pierre?

Adds Pierre: I think this works on so many levels, Commissioner Randy. You look at the desire for Safari to acquire better goaltending. You look at Dick adding depth in scoring. You look at Safari making a serious commitment to challenge for the title. You look at Dick solidifying his drafting for next year. You look at...

Fuck Pierre! Why you gotta repeat the first part of your sentence so many times? It's a fucking trademark of yours that I hate! Just tell me who you think fucking won the trade!

Adds Pierre: Okay, okay! I'm going to think short-term here: championships matter, therefore Safari got a bit closer to it on this trade. Winner = Safari.

BACK BREAKERS - Western goalies

Going into the Olympic break, Sitch could not have felt more confident; he had just strung five solid weeks of point domination in January, ejaculated with the thought of Stamkos returning and had a goalie group that consisted of Lundqvist, Luongo, Halak and Varlamov, all Olympic-bound tenders. But what the fuck happened?

"Sorry Sitch; my wife likes sunny skies.

"Sorry Sitch; did I give you the blues?

Two of his all-star tenders, Luongo and Halak, got deported!

"Fuck!" screamed Sitch, throwing down 50lb dumbbells. "I can't believe this; how is it possible that both of these solid tenders go from strong western teams to butt-fucked eastern teams? Unbelievable!"

Adds Pierre: I think management at Team Sitch may be reconsidering the trade they made with Safari a few months ago involving trading away Quick for Seguin. Don't get me wrong; I don't think that trade was bad, but if you look back, Sitch had quite an insurance policy on his goaltending. In fact, for his goalies I'd say he had backups for his backups for his backups! Now look at the situation... it's tough. We know Luongo isn't going anywhere, but Halak could still be dealt before the deadline. Hopefully he goes somewhere competitive, like Minnesota.

It just goes to show you that there are no guarantees in the Randy Leagues. With Sitch feeling the heat and all other select-GMs making a run (and I include Burgundy in this) anything is possible.

Happy trading, gentlemen and lady.

Cordially,

Morpheus Randy

WK20 - Dandy Lion

Holy fuck, where has the time gone?

With the Olympics finally over (hat tip to Team Canada, 'nice try' to Team USA), Randy's V can finally continue. I apologize for not being around the last few weeks; for those of you who do not know, Sir Fucking Randy is more than just a reporter, blogger, Commissioner, all-around-awesome-gent. He is also a man who is busy as fuck wheeling, dealing and doing crazy shit that no one could ever do. Therefore, I do not always have time to report, but I do my bloody best whenever I have time.

"Well, I'm glad you had time this week to report," said a happy, fresh-blood African Lion Safari. "I'm very, very happy!"

What a cute image. Almost brings me to tears. Anyways, here are this week's statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

What a fucking surge from African Lion Safari eh? I mean, pre-Olympics the guy was fourth and was bleeding badly in nets. Now he's traded for Quick and picked up Ryan Miller, St. Louis's newest addition. Smart plays, dandy lion, smart plays.

And what about Sitch? Still leading the way, but starting to show signs of fatigue it seems. That insane run he had in the month of January has finally died down and he's returned from the stratosphere. This competition is getting tighter by the second. Can you believe it?

"If Pierre McGuire chimes in right now I'm going to fucking kill him," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.