ROA 2 - the Middle

I am an avid squash player. As a squash player, you learn early on that dominating the 'T', or the 'middle', of the court is of most importance if you are to be victorious. Well, apparently dominating the middle also applies to Shanghai traffic.

"Arrrways drrive in Middrrrr!" - Anonymous Shanghai taxi driver.

Driving in the middle of the fucking road is the norm for Shanghai commuters. It's the only way to get around. According to my Shanghai chauffeur, driving in the middle is the obvious choice for a few reasons:

1. It ensures that you block others from getting in your fucking way.
2. It allows you, the driver, to see which lane ahead of you is faster (or will become slower).
3. It allows you to drive on the wrong side of the road, if the other side has no oncoming traffic.
4. It gives you a buffer zone from motorcyclists (who come at you in all directions).
5. It makes you feel like a man.

What I loved about this chauffeur is that he was actually serious. He was adamant about each and every point made. And, he was convinced that this way of driving was the most efficient way to get around town. Now, I was about to give him one of my 'In North America' shpeels, but then I realized something: traffic in North America ain't that great either. I think I read somewhere that Toronto has the worst traffic system in North America, so why am I one to lecture?

China traffic is insane, and I will never understand it. Horns are used for both "Fuck you! Watch where you're going!" and "I'm here; don't you even think about changing lanes!" purposes. Pedestrians definitely do NOT have right of way, and all stop signs and lights are optional for motorcyclists (and adventurous drivers).

What I find funny, however, is the Orient's take on safety. For example, passengers sitting in back seats don't need to wear seat belts. I don't know where this logic comes from, but to them, sitting in the back seat means you will be immune to accidents. I was laughed at, endlessly, for fastening my seat belt while riding in the back.

What was even more peculiar was on one occasion I took a ride on a rowboat (like the one depicted below) at this Shanghai heritage site. It was on a very, very calm river no more than 100 feet wide, and the rowboat traveled at less than walking speed. I had arrived at the heritage site via taxi (complete with dominating the middle and optional seat belts). The boat rower handed me a life jacket, saying that I "needed to wear it because the boat is dangerous." I chuckled. Of course, the rowboat ride could kill me, but the taxi ride? No chance! (can you feel the sarcasm?)

Life jacket, please!

"Well, Sir Fucking Randy, the boat rower just wanted to ensure the safety of a prestigious Commissioner. Give him a break."

Wise words, Dick.

ROA 1 - RMBs

As promised, I have started a Randy's Oriental Adventure (ROA) series. This is the first of many posts. Today's topic: an look at RMBs.

Everyone talks about how cheap shit is in the Orient. Specifically, in China. Well, Randy went to go find out for himself. I thought I'd begin this ROA series with the Chinese RMB since it's quite easy to talk about. Everyone needs to make dollars (or RMBs) meet on a daily basis, so I thought this would be a good place to start.

For simplicity sake, I'll refer to all prices in $CDN as readers of this blog are primarily from Hockey country. For those who are interested, ¥6 RMB is about the equivalent of $1 CDN.

A lover of all things money-green, the Fucking Randy hates spending money without reason. It's not that I'm poor (quite the opposite, actually); it's just that I hate seeing money go to waste. I would say that I am frugal, but not to the likes of a Buffett. But, given the fact that my visit to the Orient was a once in a lifetime opportunity, I decided to allocate a small fund to luxury spending, aka. shit that I want but do not necessarily need.

Now, I could go on and on about what shit I bought, but that would be a bore. It is also what materialistic bitches brag about, which is not my style. I'll list a few items below for filler, but the more important topic at hand will be discussed later.

Here are a few items that a crisp $20 CDN bill can buy you in China:

• 60 bottles of water
• 35 breakfast wraps, possibly the most delicious wraps I've ever had
• 12 iPhone cases, because everyone needs that many
• 30 round trips by bus from the suburbs to downtown Shanghai (with air conditioning)
• 60 round trips by bus from the suburbs to downtown Shanghai (without air conditioning)
• 6 meals at Pizza Hut
• A very, very decent leather belt
• A couples spa package, including scalp wash and massage, facial and back massage
• A custom made collared shirt (long sleeve)
• The company of a KTV girl for half of the evening (no touching!)

Thank you, Jeffrey Tambor.

The more important topic at hand is this: money is of the necessity in China. I don't mean it as a positive or a negative; it is simply a fact. I was walking the streets one afternoon, looking at a fine piece of jewelry a vendor was selling and asked for a price. She said, "100 RMBs, handsome lad." In good time, I chopped her down to ¥40, but she was begging for me to pay ¥45.

"It's a measly ¥5!" I argued while caressing my Pulitzer Prize medal, affixed to my chest. In my head, this was less than $1 CDN, which virtually meant nothing.

"If it's measly to you, then give it to me!" she begged.

I have to admit; it was a good line. And the point that struck home was that this nation's citizens love to bargain, and that they need to chase every single RMB, just as all select-GMs need every last fantasy point. With scarce resources and fellow countrymen fighting for all they can get, each and every extra RMB means something.

While it may be fun and games to prowl the streets looking for the next great bargain, I was surprised to learn that bargaining, negotiating, and "ripping off customers" is not directed to foreigners. I mean, I'm sure that it happens more often, but it is not restricted. I spoke to a local who had this to say:

"I hate it. Imagine a place where you must always be on guard, 24/7. A place where your fellow countrymen do not protect you, nor do they protect one another. Imagine that you question every single purchase you make because you're unaware of the true quality of the item. And no matter how much you try to give the benefit of the doubt or believe the handshake of your fellow countrymen, you will be wrong. Imagine that.

"We are not born like this. We are born into it. We are not all for this type of behavior, but it is now custom. In a nation where the majority are grossly underpaid, money becomes all that matters. If money matters, desperation becomes the norm, and lower prices are the consequence. Honesty, integrity, the environment and the concept of sacrifice for the sake of greater good is secondary, by a large margin. Newborns are raised and told that RMBs justify anything and everything; generation Y's only care about what they or their friends can buy. Your success (and failure) in the dating scene is largely, if not absolutely, correlated to your RMBs."

I love my money, to the point where I check my accounts daily so I am aware of my account balances. But, this type of culture was beyond my comprehension, and I understood the concerns and frustrations of this local. It is one thing to be a tourist having fun with hyper street vendors trying to sell you lucky charms, but it's another to live there every day and wonder if the liquid you put into your moped is really gasoline.

"Insightful," said Dick Burns. "By the way, did you pay the ¥45 for the jewelry?"

No, Dick. I got it down to ¥40.

BREAKING: Burns, Safari propose trade

TSN's Pierre LeBrun has reported that select-GM Dick Burns and Safari have initiated a trade inside the V.

"Yes, it's true. I have a strong (pun intended) source indicating that a pending trade has been proposed inside Randy's V. The trade involves Dick Burns trading Phil Kessel and John Tavares to Safari in exchange for Logan Couture and Brent Burns," reports LeBrun.

The pending transaction...

"This is bullshit," said Sitch, who was interviewed by LeBrun earlier this afternoon. "I don't know who initiated this trade, or what the negotiations were like, but this doesn't make sense to me at all. Kessel and Tavares have an O-rank of 9 and 5, respectively. Couture and Burns are 81 and 167, respectively. One-sided? I think so."

It goes without saying that LeBrun's 'strong' source was the meat-head Sitch.

"I will be honest; I voted against this trade, purely because I do not believe it to be equal or fair. I'm sure to get heat for this, but Sitch loves the burn so bring on da heat."

Burgundy and Tree Bone could not be reached for comment.

It will be interesting to see what becomes of this pending trade, scheduled to be completed Nov. 2 subject to the review of all select-GMs.

"The deal is going down!" said Safari via text.

Dick Burns could not be reached for comment. I am hoping he has some wise words.

Back from the Orient, Bitchez!

Guess who's back?

Back again.

Randy's back.

Tell a friend.

That's right, bitches. Mr. Fucking Randy is back from the Orient. I was hoping to post many, many articles when I returned to Canadian soil last weekend, but I must admit that I was caught by the traveler's plague. Not to worry, Slim-Shady-Randy is always up to any challenge, and as such, Slim-Shady-Randy dominated that fucking plague the way Don Cherry dominates the pronunciation of Swedish names.

Firstly, I'd like to shake the hands of the Burgs for taking over reporting in my absence.

"Wait, Mr. Fucking Randy," said Sitch. "Burgs did not do a thing! All he did was outsource his responsibilities to the likes of two meat-heads in McGuire and Milbury!"

And, you hate meat-heads, Sitch?

"... well no, I fucking love them. But it was his responsibility to write the reports, not those two meat-heads!"

Be that as it may, Burgundy did admirably. He understood the reporting had to be done, and he delegated accordingly. I applaud his efforts.

"... (with tears in his eyes)... THANK YOU, RANDY!" said Burgs.

Alright let's not make this too emotional; it's not the Descendants. (I feel awkward using that reference as I have yet to see the movie, but Burgundy tells me it's incredibly emotional and sad.) I just wanted to inform all you select-GMs that I'm back - with force - and will begin reporting once again, as soon as I get my groove into gear. The Orient has put me 12 hours ahead (jet-lag to the max), but my engines will be adjusted in good time. Burgundy had requested that I report my adventures while in the Orient; I contemplated this, but then realized I simply did not have enough time to write about my experiences while anal-bombing the Asian continent. But fortunately, mother nature has given me the greatest mind and memory known to mankind, so I will be starting a Randy's Oriental Adventure (ROA) series, documenting my thoughts and travel experiences while in the Orient. Readers who are interested should take note.

"Jeah!" fist-pumped Burgundy.

"MAO!"

It's great to be back.

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy

Week 4 -- Of MONSTERS and Men (but mostly MONSTERS!) October 20th-26th

Tree Bone's relatives look on with approval upon hearing she has gained the top rank in the league

Pierre: Good evening and welcome to a special Monday edition of Randy's weekly statistical report. Apologies for the delay but Mike, you said you were tied up yesterday because of some 'very important business?'

Milbury: That's right Pierre, I was in New York City all weekend helping out with a HUGE deal for the New York Islanders!

Pierre: Wow! You helped swing the Vanek trade, Mike that's incredible!

Milbury: What? No, not the Vanek trade, that was Garth Snow and his cronies. Me and Charles Wang spent the weekend acquiring a new hot goalie prospect

Pierre: Oh, is he some unknown from the Swedish Elite league, I know they got a lot of MONSTERS over in Stockholm

Milbury: Not exactly, he's actually an Enteroctupus, also known as, a 'Giant Octupus.'

Pierre: ... An octopus?

Milbury: Well you see Pierre, Mr. Wang has always been thinking outside the box as the owner of the Islanders. Remember when he considered hiring a sumo wrestler as his goalie? Well he has about hundred of those ideas a day! So one day me and Charles were watching the Islanders get lit up, and right after Nabokov let one past his glove-side I said 'too bad he doesn't have another arm.' Well, the next thing you know, Mr. Wang was scouring the worlds best aquariums, talking to marine biliogists, and I guess his thinking is, if animals can play sports so well like that documentary 'Air Bud', maybe it could work in the NHL!

Pierre: ...

Milbury: I know, pretty impressive huh.

Pierre: ...Let's just jump to this weeks numbers and get to our rapid takes.

RANK BY POINTS

1.     Tree Bone:   558.5 (+156.6 since week 3)

2.     Dick Burns: 554.2 (+130.85 since week 3)

3.     Safari:          398.65 (+ 117.95 since week 3)

4.    AznSitch:     465.2 (+ 100.35 since week 3) 

5.     Burgs:          427.9 (+ 63.85 since week 3)

RANK BY POINT PER-GAME (PPG)

1.     Tree Bone:    3.70

2.     Safari:           3.49

3.     Dick Burns:  3.42

4.     AznSitch:     3.40

5.     Burgs:          2.82

1) ONE BONE TO RULE THEM ALL

Pierre: As we have been anticipating these past few weeks, Tree Bone in a huge move takes the top spot in the rankings, both in overall point and points per-game!

Milbury: And it's all thanks to the HUGE play of players like Martin St. Louis, Corey Perry, and the Finnish freak, Antti Niemi, who in the last week all put up huge numbers that helped propel Ms. Bone to the #1 spot.

Pierre: And things may only be taking off from here, with Thomas Vanek now traded to the Islanders and potentially playing on a line with Tavares, this team could be JUST. GETTING. STARTED!


2) BIDING HIS TIME IN THE BUSH

Pierre: No, this category is not about the new porno movie Burns' has been working on, "Coming soon for the Christmas season!" adds Burns, but instead refers to the smart and sneaky GM African Lion Safari who has been keep a low-profile as of late.

Milbury: That's right Pierre, normally Safari likes to rattle some cages and maybe sniff out a trade opportunity or two, but aside from a few minor pick-ups, Safari's been keeping it nice and quiet. I ran into Safari and had a brief conversation with him:

Milbury: So Safari, are you concerned that you're not in first place yet?

Safari: "Man, I'm not even worried about the fantasy league yet, it's only October! I'm in a Fantasy soccer league, I might do a  basketball league, hell I'm even in a NASCAR just for the fuck of it. Right now, I have a great fantasy hockey team that's built for the long haul, and we'll just see who has the last laugh."

Milbury: So you're saying you don't care if you're not winning right now?

Safari: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? MAN, I CARE ABOUT WINNING EVERY DAMN DAY! I LIVE AND BREATHE FANTASY HOCKEY! I DO THIS ALL FOR ONE THING ONLY, AND THAT'S THE DAMN BELT! I DO THIS FOR MY FAMILY MAN, FOR MY DAMN PRIDE, LITERALLY, I DO THIS FOR MY DAWGS! WHERE MY DAWGS AT?!?!? *Begins to bark wildly*

*Safari rips off head set, begins to gallop majestically towards the Nile*

Milbury: You gotta love that intensity Pierre.

Pierre: Absolutely, but wait, if he's a lion, why is he barking?

Milbury: Don't question it baby, just enjoy it

Pierre: You know that's what I say every time before I have an unclothed woman sit on my smooth bald head

Milbury: Niiicceeee.

3) THE DIFFERENCE MAKERS

Pierre: Well, to wrap this week up, even though we focus so much on Goals, Assists, Goalie Wins, and other big point getters, let's take a look at the some of the smaller categories which can end up making all the difference with some mini-rapid takes (all stats for these categories as of October 27th)

Shut-Outs
Pierre: Tree Bone is absolutely destroying this category by already accumulating 4 shuts out in just 22 games played! That's double the next leading shut out leader Burns.

Milbury: And on the other end, both Burgs and Sitch are still both without shut-outs, and Burgundy's already played 26 games in net! Even though Sitch has played less, he was still dissatisfied, "The only thing I like being 0 is my 'Goals Against' and my body fat percentage."

Shots on Goal

Pierre: Burns and Safari are absolute monsters in these categories, although when you take into account games played, Safari may have a bit of an edge

Milbury: And again Burgs is struggling in this category, although when I asked him, he said "Listen, the shots on goal will come, the only thing I'm worrying about now is the shots in my glass, WOO!"

Hits

Pierre: Burns is putting up MONSTER numbers in this category, and even with the additional games played, he's still doing great.

Milbury: Well when you got guys like Evander Kane delivering hits like he's Katy Perry, it sure does make things easier.

Pierre: Absolutely, with Burns doing so well in a lot of these smaller categories, he'll certainly stay competitive, but will be enough for him to pull out a victory at the end of the season. When asked for comment, Burns said "When I pull out, everyone will be satisfied."

Milbury: Wise words Dick!

Week 3 -- MONSTER'S Inc.

Pierre: Good evening and welcome to another edition of Randy's Weekly Statistical Report! Now, I know some of you were expecting GM Burgundy to write this report after recovering from his Crosboner, but, after a long night of drinking scotch with Ron, he said to us "You know, you guys were great last week and I think you should do it again. I think it's fun to spice it up with some special guest hosts, it worked great on the old Carson show."

Milbury: And Pierre, I couldn't agree more with GM Burgundy. I've always been a huge fan of Carson Daly, from his work on Last Call, to hosting the Voice, I think Carson is the true king of late night television.

Pierre: Actually Mike, I think Ron was talking about Johnny Carson.

Milbury: Who?

Pierre: Moving on, let's check out these weeks numbers!


RANK BY POINTS

1. Dick Burns: 423.35 (+157.05 since week 2)
2. Tree Bone:   401.90 (+162.85 since week 2)      
3. Safari:          398.65 (+138.9 since week 2)
4. AznSitch:    364.85 (+129.05 since week 2)
5. Burgs:         364.05 (+134.40 since week 2)

  
RANK BY POINTS PER-GAME (PPG)

1. Safari:         3.62
2. Tree Bone:  3.53        
3. Dick Burns: 3.50
4. AznSitch:   3.44
5. Burgs:        3.06

1) THE NAME IS BONE, TREE BONE.

Pierre: As we predicted last week, Tree Bone  has moved up the rankings and is now right in the hunt for the top spot along with Burns and Safari. She gained the most points over the last week, is second in points per-game overall, and I would not be surprised if she kept moving up the rankings. When asked for her take, Tree Bone told me "Oy! It's all about me mates Marleau and Carey Price. One's been stoppin' all da shots, and da otha keeps shovin' dem in! They've been rogerin' tha competition betta than Ramsey and tha blokes at Arsenal!"

Milbury: She makes a great point Pierre

Pierre: She does?

Milbury: Of course! Her team is heating up, and Marleau has been great, I guess you were wrong with your whole 'Beware putting tide on Sharks' thing.

Pierre: It was 'Beware the ides of Sharks', it was a Shakespeare reference

Milbury: Did he write for Carson Daly?

Pierre: *sigh*

2) PRIDE BEFORE THE WINTER

Milbury: But listen Pierre, before you go too crazy over the Duchess of Bone's team over there, don't forget that Safari has an even higher points per-game, and I think Ovechkin still hasn't kicked into high gear just yet.

Pierre: That's true Mike, and Safari's made some very interesting roster moves in the past few days, dropping boy-wonder Tomas Hertl and picking up the red-hot Joe Pavelski and Sean Monahan.

Milbury: I'm glad you brought that up Pierre, because I'd like to announce that I just traded my car and $1,000 in cash to acquire Tomas Hertl onto my Fantasy team.

Pierre: You what? But Mike, you're not even part of this Fantasy League, and it doesn't cost any money to acquire players.

Milbury: ...I knew I shouldn't have listened to Charles Wang.

3) A TALE OF TWO GOALIES 

Pierre: Now if you want to know why Dick Burns has been doing so well, look no further than the incredible goal tending of Tuukka Rask and Marc-Andre Fleury. They've let in only 22 goals combined and each has accumulated over 50+ fantasy points each. If that's not the definition of a MONSTER, then I don't know what is.

Milbury: And on the other side, one goalie who still needs a lot of help is Henrik Lundqvist. When I talked to GM Sitch, he told me "Hank's cheek bones so chiseled. They are like beautiful face abs. Every time I go to talk to Hank to motivate him, I get lost in his eyes and end up doing crunches to try and imprezz him."

Pierre: Wow, it sounds like getting Lundvist going may be a bit of an up-hill battle. But remember, Sitch still has a very strong points per-game and with Stamkos starting to make it rain fantasy points, I don't think he has anything to worry about.

4) THE INJURY BU(r)G

Pierre: Well, to wrap this report up, let's look at the bad luck  Burgundy has had on the injury front so far. He came into the season expecting to up his goal produciton from last year by picking up James Neal and Rick Nash, but now they're both on the injured reserved for at least a few more weeks.

Milbury: And don't forget that not only are those two out, but Taylor Hall is now having an MRI, Kronwall has a concussion, and James van Riemsdyk has been battling back spasms.

Pierre: Oh boy. Not sure what Burgs strategy should be, should he try for a trade? Should he try and hope his players get some better protection on the ice? When I asked Burns what he would do, he told me "I don't believe in protection."


Milbury: Wise words Dick!

Week 2--MONSTER'S EDITION (October 6th-12th)

 

Pierre McGuire: Welcome to Randy's Weekly Statistical Report! This week me and my NBC co-anchor Mike Milbury will be breaking down all the major news from this past week -- the rankings, the pick-ups, and who knows, maybe even talk about a MONSTER or two. So whaddya say Mike, shall we dive-in and start looking at the numbers?

Mike Milbury: You know Pierre, I've never been much of a numbers guy except for the number 69, if you know what I mean...

Pierre: I DO!

RANK BY POINTS

1. Dick Burns: 266.30 (+136.70 from week 1)
2. Safari:          259.75 (+142.90 from week 1)
3. Tree Bone:   239.05 (+139.00 from week 1)
4. AznSitch:    235.80 (+130.25 from week 1)
5. Burgs:         229.65 (+156.95 from week 1)

RANK BY PPGP

1. Safari:         3.71
2. Dick Burns: 3.55
3. AznSitch:    3.519
4. Tree Bone:  3.515
5. Burgs:         3.06

 RAPID TAKES:

1) The Dick Burns Cometh

Pierre: Well, as the rankings show, Burns holds on to the top spot for Week 2 with another strong showing.

Milbury: Now there's a Dick that doesn't need Viagra!

Pierre: *sigh* Indeed. And if you want to know why Dick's doing so well, look no further than his incredible goaltenders. With 7 wins and only 11 goals allowed in 8 games, Burns goalies are tough to beat.

2) Safari on the Prowl

Pierre: But, while Dick Burns is going strong, you would be crazy to sleep on Safari. He's got an impressive 3.71PPG, the majority of his players are firing on all cylinders, and with recent acquisitions of MONSTER point-generators Jonathan Bernier, Semyon Varlamov, and Brent Burns -- who Burgs dropped, what was he thinking??? -- Safari may be ready to go all the way and take the number 1 spot.

Milbury: And don't forget about his pick-up of Tomas Hertl. Listen Pierre, this kid is incredible, and even though he's only played a few games, if I was still a GM, I would trade 3 first-round picks, a franchise defender, and my first born child just to acquire him for a 1-year contract.

Pierre: Well Mike, while I do think Hertl has led San Jose to a strong start, all I got to say is 'Beware the Ideas of Sharks': Just remember, last year at this time San Jose was off to a scorching start and Patrick Marleau was looking like the next Rocket Richard. Will Hertle be able to buck the trend and stay hot? Only time will tell!

 

3) Tree Bone Calling

Pierre: Tree Bone's team has been performing solidly so far with strong production from Daniel Sedin and Martin St. Louis, and, with Malkin's production starting to pick up, she could be in contention for the top spot in no time.

Milbury: Yeah, but she needs to get more from Giroux. I mean, if it was up to me to motivate him, I'd probably beat him with a shoe for a bit, but maybe having a new coach behind the bench will do the trick.

Pierre: Good point Mike. I texted Tree Bone to see how she felt about her team but all she said was "Oy! I 'ave all the otha GMs right where I want dem. I'm awlready leadin' tha league in 'elpers, and before you know it, I'll be 'oldin the Premiere League trophy in no time!" Mike, do you have any idea what she's saying?

Milbury: Sorry Pierre, I don't speak Mandarin.

4) Trouble for Sitch and Burgs?

Milbury: Now Pierre, I know Sitch only slightly dipped in the rankings, but, is it time for him to drop his entire team and lure Yashin away from the KHL with a blockbuster contract?

Pierre: Hmmm, I don't think so. If you look closely, Sitch still has a strong PPG, and it's important to remember that Sitch had a methodically slow start last year, only to gain steam and win it all in the end. When I asked Sitch about how he goes about carefully planning when he plays and benches his players, Sitch responded 'HAZZZZZZ.'

Milbury: Wow, he truly is one of the great hockey minds of our time. But what about Burgs?

Pierre: He had a big Saturday night, and by picking up Skinner and Van Riemsdyk, he may get some added point production. With that said, he needs some serious help in net. He's let in a huge amount of goals and there is no way he can move up the ranks without some more stops.

NEXT WEEK:
Pierre: Well Mike, this next week is sure looking promising will Safari take the top spot from Burns? Will Tree Bone and Sitch creep up the ranks? Will Burgundy' Crossbone stay hard? What will come of all this? When I asked Dick Burn for his take, he replied 'When I come, you'll know."

Milbury: Wise words, Dick.

BREAKING: Burgundy Admitted to Hospital

"Don't act like you're not impressed" -- Burgundy to local nurse

(SPECIAL REPORT FROM DARREN DREGER):
Good evening. My sources have confirmed that following Sidney Crosby's 3 goal, 1 assist performance on Saturday night, GM Ron Burgundy was admitted to San Diego General Hospital with a Class-5 Crosboner. While it is said that Burgundy did sustain some minor injuries after his erection ripped through his imported Eddie Bauer t-shirt, Doctors confirm that he is expected to make a full recovery.

Sources also report that Burgs has found a replacement to fulfill his reporting duties to Commissioner Fucking Randy and will be paying the reporter(s) with Scotch and a wheel of cheese; however, no names have been confirmed as of yet.

Adieu

I'm off to the Orient. Gents, lady, take care of yourselves. Keep the V clean and healthy.

Burgs, you have the floor.

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy

WK1 - Erect

Welcome to Randy's Weekly Statistical Report!

I'm thrilled to pop the cherry on this season's first stats report, courtesy of Randy's Stats Machine (obviously). Here once again, we shall break down the stats for the week and see where select-GMs are kickin' it, and where others are gettin' kicked.

Here are the stats:

RANK BY POINTS

Dick Burns, 129.60

Safari, 116.85

Sitch, 105.55

Tree Bone, 100.05

Burgs, 72.70

RANK BY PPGP

Dick Burns, 3.81

Tree Bone, 3.71

Safari, 3.65

Sitch, 3.52

Burgs, 2.51

Charts will follow when there is more data.

So, what can we see from this week so far? Well...

Just like last year, Dick Burns is crushing it, HARD. We all remember what happened to Team DB last year; he ran away for the first bit before a steep drop to the bottom of the rankings. What does Dick have to say about that?

"Well," thought Dick, legs crossed gentlemanly-like. "I'd hate to have that happen again this year. I doubt it, but it is obviously in the back of my mind. Nonetheless, my team has been doing sublime; my goalie tandem has been especially good."

Indeed it has, Dick Burns. Dick's goalies (Fleury and Rask) are scoring in all categories, making some other select-GMs slightly uneasy, especially given the fact that he only carries two tenders, but who the fuck cares? It's all about the points in the end.

"You fellas just wait," chimed Burgundy. "Wait till my Crosbone is fully erect; once he's up, there's no turning soft."

Burgundy definitely has a point, though he will need more from his players going forward if he is to keep up with the rest of the select-GMs. Remember, Burgundy had won the Combine earlier last month, so I do believe his team has the capability to take it this year. However, competition is definitely fierce, as four of the five select-GMs have averaged more than 3.0PPGP since the season started.

"It's a shame I couldn't hold top spot for the entire week," said AznSitch, who sat atop the rankings for the entire week until the weekend. "But, I know this is just the beginning. It's only my warm-up stretch as far as I'm concerned, and I plan on werrkin' hard this season."

"Work all you want," said Dick Burns. "I'm fully erect, and it's only week one. Get used to looking up, ladies and gents, because Dick Burns will not come down."

Wise words, Dick.