WK5 - Charts are Back, Bitchez!

We're just over a month into the V. For some, 5 weeks in the V is a long time.

"Not for this gentleman," grinned a slippery Dick Burns.

Once again, I'd like to thank Burgundy for taking over statistical reporting duties in my absence (I'll CC McGuire and Mibury on that). I was able to compile Burgundy's MPAc-quality stats into my stats machine this weekend and produce some visuals for you fine select-GMs.

The stats, as of November 3, 2013 are as follows:

Unfortunately, I was unable to get McGuire and Milbury to comment on this weeks statistics; they were away on some males-only spa, organized by some anchorman from Channel 4.

"Absolutely preposterous and untrue!" shrieked a half-naked anchorman from a hotbox, who shall remain nameless.

Nonetheless, I have an analyst who has been begging to get onto this prestigious site, and I am currently in contract negotiations with him; he is expected to sign later this week and will be providing some colour commentary on statistical reports. For the time being, I'll look at them myself. So, what can we see from this week's activity?

1. ICE, ICE, BURGY! - I mean this literally. With Nash, Hall and Neal all on the IR, Team Burgundy is making hourly trips to score bags of ice for his injured men. It is unfortunate and hurting his team badly. I had predicted that Team Burgundy would finish first this year barring injuries, and it looks like he's in trouble. We all remember what happened last year in Randy's Redemption 2013 when his Crosbone was put on IR; his team floundered and arguably cost him the title. What should we expect from management in the coming months to address the problem?

"I'll tell you what I'm going to do," said Burgundy. "I'm gonna --- what's that Pierre? Oh, you're out of the hot tub. You need a towel? Coming buddyyyyy!"

2. PPGP A HOT TOPIC, AGAIN - Tree Bone, arguably the most threatening team to date, has maintained an unprecedented PPGP, and is currently sitting with a 3.63 PPGP. However, quietly in the background, Sitch has brought up his PPGP to 3.63 as well, and both sit tied for 1st in terms of PPGP.

"Never underestimate how hard my body can werk after reaching the top," said Sitch, referencing the title he won in Randy's Redemption 2013. "Ya better werk bitch!"

"Nice, but could use more Pierre." - Burgs

3. WAITING FOR THE LAW OF AVERAGES - Dick Burns, still sitting in second place, has the second lowest goals total in the League. Despite playing the most games out of all select-GMs and having the most shots on goal, he's trailing. My spidy-senses are tingling; something tells me he will soon have a breakout week in goals scored.

4. ADAPTING > DRAFTING - I was skeptical about Safari's goalies during the pre-season (he had drafted Luongo, Bobrovsky and Emery); not so much about the talent that these tenders had, but the teams which they were employed. Well, Safari has transformed his roster during the first 5 weeks and has since dropped all three and swapped in and out of tenders faster than customers returning their Blackberry devices. He's been able to adapt and generate 14 wins in 23 games. Not too shabby if you ask me.

"Care to comment on my goalie duo?" asked Dick Burns, with a smirk.

No Dick. I don't need to remind everyone of your ridiculous tandem that continues to shit on the competition.

"Very well. I just thought it would remind everyone that quality trumps quantity."

Wise words, Dick.