Aside from all the trades, drops etc. over the last two weeks, the Fucking Randy was reminded by Safari that Randy's V is already a quarter complete. Therefore, he suggested a quarter-mark report be published for such an occasion.
"Yes, like GQ!" added Burgundy.
That's pretty high class. Nonetheless, I'm pleased to oblige. Here is the first edition of GMs Quarterly:
 |
| GMs Quarterly - First Edition |
Welcome to GMs Quarterly - First Edition. Commissioner Randy has assessed all the juice that's been flowing through the uterine walls in the V during the first quarter; he's ready to dish out some quarterly awards/raspberries. Additional comments were provided by in-person interviews with all select-GMs as well as certain analysts of the V. So, what has the story inside the V been so far?
GM OF THE QUARTER: TREE BONE
(Honourable mention: Dick Burns)
Tree Bone has stuck to her game plan for the most part during the first quarter; she hasn't made significant roster changes and remains highly competitive in the V. Just look at her colours:
No reds. Her colours are looking wet and warm ("Ew!" said Tree Bone). Though she currently sits second behind Dick Burns, she has surprised every select-GM with her performance, which is respectable considering she was last to draft.
"She's definitely giving me a bone!" said Healy, aspiring for a good pun.
BUTT-FUCKED OF THE QUARTER: BURGUNDY
(Honourable mentions: Rob Ford, Sitch)
 |
| A cautious Burgs looks on during a Q&A. |
Injuries, injuries, injuries. And these aren't petty injuries either; Nash (39th overall pick), Neal (29th overall pick) and Hall (22nd overall pick) are dynamite forwards and were projected to score admirably this season; my estimate during the Combine Results projected the three would score 85 goals, combined. Going forward, Burgundy can only hope that these players, who have since recovered from injuries, can return to mid-season form and pick up the pace. Otherwise, the only thing Burgundy will finish first in is chuggin' Scotch.
BUTT-FUCKING OF THE QUARTER: DICK BURNS via Tuukka Rask
(Honorable mention: Dick Burns via Marc-Andre Fleury)
(Honorable mention: Dick Burns via Marc-Andre Fleury)
 |
| Just another 'Are you fucking kidding me?' save. |
By "BUTT-FUCKING" I literally mean the fucking of asses. Dick Burns could not have made a better 3rd overall selection by picking Tuukka Rask; his tending in general has been unbelievable, and there is no sign of him slowing down. With a 1.61 GAA in 18 games played, Rask has been a monster ("JEAH!" said Pierre); Dick pretty much gets to choose which butt he'd like to fuck on a daily basis.
"The ass handing and ass fucking shall continue," said Dick Burns.
STEALTH OF THE QUARTER: SAFARI
(Honorable mention: Sitch)
I've had ongoing discussions with Safari regarding his team; some good, some bad. Despite Safari's repeated frustrations, I do believe his management deserves Stealth status for the quarter. Sure, he's revamped his roster more times than Blackberry revamps its business strategy, but his numbers are respectable. His players average 3.22 PPGP and his goalies average 4.09 PPGP. The statistics show that his team is quite well-rounded in all categories, which is quite unusual for this League. His only laggards are GAA and save %, but he makes up for it with a 60.53% win percentage. Safari definitely gets the nod for flying under the radar.
WILDCARD OF THE QUARTER: SITCH
(Honorable mention: NA)
Look, we all know that total points is all that matters at the end of the day. However, I can't deny the strategy Sitch has put forth this season; he's been carefully choosing his starting rosters, and for it he's been way behind in games-played. However, he currently sports a 3.52 PPGP, 0.09 ahead of the next best select-GM (Dick at 3.43 PPGP). And, Sitch has maintained this statistic basically since the beginning of the season.
Finally, when looking at his roster, one can't help but think about what would happen if his law of averages finally kicks in. Look at these under performers, either through play or injury, thus far:
Lundqvist (pre-ranked 7th, currently ranked 88th)
Rinne (pre-ranked 12th, currently ranked 188th)
Letang (pre-ranked 35th, currently ranked 448th)
Giroux (pre-ranked 16th, currently ranked 123rd)
Patience may be his best play.
"His roster is impressive," said Dick Burns. "But then again, so are my goalies."
Wise words, Dick.
(Honorable mention: Sitch)
 |
| "This ain't no sprint," comments Safari. |
I've had ongoing discussions with Safari regarding his team; some good, some bad. Despite Safari's repeated frustrations, I do believe his management deserves Stealth status for the quarter. Sure, he's revamped his roster more times than Blackberry revamps its business strategy, but his numbers are respectable. His players average 3.22 PPGP and his goalies average 4.09 PPGP. The statistics show that his team is quite well-rounded in all categories, which is quite unusual for this League. His only laggards are GAA and save %, but he makes up for it with a 60.53% win percentage. Safari definitely gets the nod for flying under the radar.
WILDCARD OF THE QUARTER: SITCH
(Honorable mention: NA)
 |
| Is a Resurrection in play? |
Look, we all know that total points is all that matters at the end of the day. However, I can't deny the strategy Sitch has put forth this season; he's been carefully choosing his starting rosters, and for it he's been way behind in games-played. However, he currently sports a 3.52 PPGP, 0.09 ahead of the next best select-GM (Dick at 3.43 PPGP). And, Sitch has maintained this statistic basically since the beginning of the season.
Finally, when looking at his roster, one can't help but think about what would happen if his law of averages finally kicks in. Look at these under performers, either through play or injury, thus far:
Lundqvist (pre-ranked 7th, currently ranked 88th)
Rinne (pre-ranked 12th, currently ranked 188th)
Letang (pre-ranked 35th, currently ranked 448th)
Giroux (pre-ranked 16th, currently ranked 123rd)
Patience may be his best play.
"His roster is impressive," said Dick Burns. "But then again, so are my goalies."
Wise words, Dick.
No comments:
Post a Comment