 |
| Tree Bone's relatives look on with approval upon hearing she has gained the top rank in the league |
Milbury: That's right Pierre, I was in New York City all weekend helping out with a HUGE deal for the New York Islanders!
Pierre: Wow! You helped swing the Vanek trade, Mike that's incredible!
Milbury: What? No, not the Vanek trade, that was Garth Snow and his cronies. Me and Charles Wang spent the weekend acquiring a new hot goalie prospect
Pierre: Oh, is he some unknown from the Swedish Elite league, I know they got a lot of MONSTERS over in Stockholm
Milbury: Not exactly, he's actually an Enteroctupus, also known as, a 'Giant Octupus.'
Pierre: ... An octopus?
Milbury: Well you see Pierre, Mr. Wang has always been thinking outside the box as the owner of the Islanders. Remember when he considered hiring a sumo wrestler as his goalie? Well he has about hundred of those ideas a day! So one day me and Charles were watching the Islanders get lit up, and right after Nabokov let one past his glove-side I said 'too bad he doesn't have another arm.' Well, the next thing you know, Mr. Wang was scouring the worlds best aquariums, talking to marine biliogists, and I guess his thinking is, if animals can play sports so well like that documentary 'Air Bud', maybe it could work in the NHL!
Pierre: ...
Milbury: I know, pretty impressive huh.
Pierre: ...Let's just jump to this weeks numbers and get to our rapid takes.
RANK BY POINTS
1.
Tree
Bone: 558.5 (+156.6 since week 3)
2. Dick
Burns: 554.2 (+130.85 since week 3)
3. Safari: 398.65 (+ 117.95 since week 3)
4. AznSitch:
465.2 (+ 100.35 since week 3)
5. Burgs: 427.9 (+ 63.85 since week 3)
RANK BY POINT PER-GAME (PPG)
1. Tree
Bone: 3.70
2. Safari:
3.49
3. Dick
Burns: 3.42
4. AznSitch: 3.40
5. Burgs:
2.82
1) ONE BONE TO RULE THEM ALL
Pierre: As we have been anticipating these past few weeks, Tree Bone in a huge move takes the top spot in the rankings, both in overall point and points per-game!
Milbury: And it's all thanks to the HUGE play of players like Martin St. Louis, Corey Perry, and the Finnish freak, Antti Niemi, who in the last week all put up huge numbers that helped propel Ms. Bone to the #1 spot.
Pierre: And things may only be taking off from here, with Thomas Vanek now traded to the Islanders and potentially playing on a line with Tavares, this team could be JUST. GETTING. STARTED!
2) BIDING HIS TIME IN THE BUSH
Pierre: No, this category is not about the new porno movie Burns' has been working on, "Coming soon for the Christmas season!" adds Burns, but instead refers to the smart and sneaky GM African Lion Safari who has been keep a low-profile as of late.
Milbury: That's right Pierre, normally Safari likes to rattle some cages and maybe sniff out a trade opportunity or two, but aside from a few minor pick-ups, Safari's been keeping it nice and quiet. I ran into Safari and had a brief conversation with him:
Milbury: So Safari, are you concerned that you're not in first place yet?
Safari: "Man, I'm not even worried about the fantasy league yet, it's only October! I'm in a Fantasy soccer league, I might do a basketball league, hell I'm even in a NASCAR just for the fuck of it. Right now, I have a great fantasy hockey team that's built for the long haul, and we'll just see who has the last laugh."
Milbury: So you're saying you don't care if you're not winning right now?
Safari: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? MAN, I CARE ABOUT WINNING EVERY DAMN DAY! I LIVE AND BREATHE FANTASY HOCKEY! I DO THIS ALL FOR ONE THING ONLY, AND THAT'S THE DAMN BELT! I DO THIS FOR MY FAMILY MAN, FOR MY DAMN PRIDE, LITERALLY, I DO THIS FOR MY DAWGS! WHERE MY DAWGS AT?!?!? *Begins to bark wildly*
*Safari rips off head set, begins to gallop majestically towards the Nile*
Milbury: You gotta love that intensity Pierre.
Pierre: Absolutely, but wait, if he's a lion, why is he barking?
Milbury: Don't question it baby, just enjoy it
Pierre: You know that's what I say every time before I have an unclothed woman sit on my smooth bald head
Milbury: Niiicceeee.
3) THE DIFFERENCE MAKERS
Pierre: Well, to wrap this week up, even though we focus so much on Goals, Assists, Goalie Wins, and other big point getters, let's take a look at the some of the smaller categories which can end up making all the difference with some mini-rapid takes (all stats for these categories as of October 27th)
Shut-Outs
Pierre: Tree Bone is absolutely destroying this category by already accumulating 4 shuts out in just 22 games played! That's double the next leading shut out leader Burns.
Milbury: And on the other end, both Burgs and Sitch are still both without shut-outs, and Burgundy's already played 26 games in net! Even though Sitch has played less, he was still dissatisfied, "The only thing I like being 0 is my 'Goals Against' and my body fat percentage."
Shots on Goal
Pierre: Burns and Safari are absolute monsters in these categories, although when you take into account games played, Safari may have a bit of an edge
Milbury: And again Burgs is struggling in this category, although when I asked him, he said "Listen, the shots on goal will come, the only thing I'm worrying about now is the shots in my glass, WOO!"
Hits
Pierre: Burns is putting up MONSTER numbers in this category, and even with the additional games played, he's still doing great.
Milbury: Well when you got guys like Evander Kane delivering hits like he's Katy Perry, it sure does make things easier.
Pierre: Absolutely, with Burns doing so well in a lot of these smaller categories, he'll certainly stay competitive, but will be enough for him to pull out a victory at the end of the season. When asked for comment, Burns said "When I pull out, everyone will be satisfied."
Milbury: Wise words Dick!
No comments:
Post a Comment