ROA 2 - the Middle

I am an avid squash player. As a squash player, you learn early on that dominating the 'T', or the 'middle', of the court is of most importance if you are to be victorious. Well, apparently dominating the middle also applies to Shanghai traffic.

"Arrrways drrive in Middrrrr!" - Anonymous Shanghai taxi driver.

Driving in the middle of the fucking road is the norm for Shanghai commuters. It's the only way to get around. According to my Shanghai chauffeur, driving in the middle is the obvious choice for a few reasons:

1. It ensures that you block others from getting in your fucking way.
2. It allows you, the driver, to see which lane ahead of you is faster (or will become slower).
3. It allows you to drive on the wrong side of the road, if the other side has no oncoming traffic.
4. It gives you a buffer zone from motorcyclists (who come at you in all directions).
5. It makes you feel like a man.

What I loved about this chauffeur is that he was actually serious. He was adamant about each and every point made. And, he was convinced that this way of driving was the most efficient way to get around town. Now, I was about to give him one of my 'In North America' shpeels, but then I realized something: traffic in North America ain't that great either. I think I read somewhere that Toronto has the worst traffic system in North America, so why am I one to lecture?

China traffic is insane, and I will never understand it. Horns are used for both "Fuck you! Watch where you're going!" and "I'm here; don't you even think about changing lanes!" purposes. Pedestrians definitely do NOT have right of way, and all stop signs and lights are optional for motorcyclists (and adventurous drivers).

What I find funny, however, is the Orient's take on safety. For example, passengers sitting in back seats don't need to wear seat belts. I don't know where this logic comes from, but to them, sitting in the back seat means you will be immune to accidents. I was laughed at, endlessly, for fastening my seat belt while riding in the back.

What was even more peculiar was on one occasion I took a ride on a rowboat (like the one depicted below) at this Shanghai heritage site. It was on a very, very calm river no more than 100 feet wide, and the rowboat traveled at less than walking speed. I had arrived at the heritage site via taxi (complete with dominating the middle and optional seat belts). The boat rower handed me a life jacket, saying that I "needed to wear it because the boat is dangerous." I chuckled. Of course, the rowboat ride could kill me, but the taxi ride? No chance! (can you feel the sarcasm?)

Life jacket, please!

"Well, Sir Fucking Randy, the boat rower just wanted to ensure the safety of a prestigious Commissioner. Give him a break."

Wise words, Dick.