Next Question with Ronald Burgundy

The third article of this year's NQ features last year's bronze medalist, Ron Burgundy. I sat down with the Burgs after the premiere of ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES.

[the following interview took place at AMC Yonge & Dundas on 12/19/2013]

 Hello there, Mr. Burgundy.

Jeah!

You've been a busy man with Anchorman 2 and the V.

Jeah, it's been a wet-and-wild ride, Commissioner. And, let's not forget that I am now an MPA, so I now must also acknowledge my responsibilities of being a higher class citizen.

I'm sorry?

Well, my Master in Penial Analytics comes with great power, you see. And with great power, comes a higher class citizen.

I think it's "With great power, comes great responsibility," Burgs.

Is it? (checks PromptApp) Oh my, isn't that bodacious? I always thought it was "higher class citizen" in my head. My bad! Wait... My bad? Bad! Bad? Bad! Fuck this PromptApp is confusing.

Why don't you continue the interview without it for now, Burgs. So, how are you liking the V?

Oh my, do I love it! Mrs. Corningston is simply a peach; she's got just the right fuzz, she's ripe for ---

Burgs, I was referring to Randy's V, as in Randy's Five. Not your significant other's V.

But... but Veronica and I had SEX! We have SEX all the time!

The 'Before' shot.

... Good for you? Sorry Burgs; this interview is really for Randy's V. Veronica doesn't have any relation to Randy's V whatsoever.  

Oh falafels! Fine, I won't talk about her.

Good. So, the V. You were projected to finish first overall in the Combine, but you've had more than your share of bad luck. Are you feeling the heat?

With Veronica, I can always feel the heat.

Alright this is your last warning.

Alright alright! Yes, I'm feeling the heat in the V. ("Jeah!" said Dick Burns) Other than my precious Crosbone and my higher class Citizen Kane, I feel the heat. There's just a lack of production on my team. My PPGP is way off League standards, and despite my decent winning percentage, my goalies let in shitloads of goals and have low save percentages. So yes, I'm feeling the heat.

Think you'll turn it around?

Hard to say. We're about a week away from the halfway mark; it'll soon be time to go full out (acquire players) or to start putting out (dish out players). I continue to debate this daily.

Any luck in trading so far?

Not yet. Obviously I've had talks with Safari, but I've also been in negotiations with Tree Bone and Sitch. I recently submitted a proposal to Sitch, but that bitch-ass-mother-boner only cares about how good looking the players are; what a shallow butt-fuck.

Shallow, yes. But his PPGP leads the League.

Well ain't that just peachy? Listen, I'm all for efficiency, but what the hell do you expect when you bench players 24/7? Fuckin' Sitch's-a-Bitch.

Calm yourself, Burgs. So besides the V, Veronica's V and Anchorman 2, what are you up to these days?

I'm focused on aging like a fine liquor. With an MPA under my belt, it'll only be a matter of time before various peni wish to be analyzed by these guns. (Burgundy curls his biceps) I'm job hunting, but I know that I'm also being head hunted. I'm already a seasoned professional in the television industry, but the MPA is a whole other animal and I plan on putting my best 'stache forward. I'm also getting my dress on, i.e. looking sexy, mastering the art of the double windsor, shoe-treeing, etc.

Sounds like you've got quite a wardrobe amassing.

Jeah, Commissioner. Jeah!

Last question - Wed, Bed, Fed or Dead: Dick Burns, Tree Bone, Sitch and Safari. Go.

WED - As Veronica is already a hand full, I do not see the need to add another V to my life. Therefore, I'm going to go against the grain and not say Tree Bone in this case. I'll say Safari. I've lived with him before and he's quite easy to live with. Doesn't get in the way, helps out around the house, good conversationalist... I'd go with Safari.

BED - The entire East coast is boasting about Dick Burns; since I have yet to see his burns I guess I'll say I'd bed Team DB. I'd love to get the chance to play tuggies with Dick.

FED - Tough one. I'd feed Sitch; academically, he's a non-contributor to society, so he's gotta go. All he does is 'pump' and down protein. I'd gladly feed him.

Which leaves Tree Bone for dead?

Jeah, well, her team's been crushing it lately. Someone's gotta slow her down. Speaking of down, I think it's my turn to go down on Veronica tonight...

That's it. This interview is over.

What!....?

The 'After' shot.