Next Question with AznSitch

Welcome to the second annual edition of Next Question (NQ). For those who remember last year's NQ series, you will remember that it was an absolute success, both within the Redemption and on an international scale. I've been told that the quality of journalism put into the NQs was sublime, unparalleled and motivational. It is my hope that this second edition will not only maintain, but surpass previous achievements.

This year, we will begin NQ with last year's winner, AznSitch. Like last year, I caught up with Sitch at one of his GoodLyfe Body Centres to talk about the V. I had requested a different location - one that required a jacket and tie, perhaps - but Sitch pleaded to have it at his GoodLyfe Body Centre so he could adhere to both his rigorous body plan as well as fulfill his duties as a select-GM. In this rare instance, I obliged to the meat head.

"Selfie!" - Sitch, circa 1999.

[ the following interview took place on 12/06/2013, GoodLyfe Body Centre]

Sitch, great to see you again.

Always a pleasure, Mr. Fucking Randy. Hazzz!

That's quite the photo you have there from 1999. I see it's the main mural at this GoodLyfe Body Centre.

GBC, Mr. Fucking Randy. GBC. That's what we call it (GoodLyde Body Centre) here. No need for the extra syllables; most of my clientele can't even speak proper English. So we pumpers just call it GBC.

Sorry, clientele? Can't speak English? And what the hell are pumpers?

Hazzz! Sorry, bro; the lingo is a bit different ya?! Pumpers is just a term for phys ed aficionados. What do this aficionados do? They werk (bitch). They squeeze. They pump. AND THEY NEVER FUCKIN' CHEAT. No cheatin'! No cheatin'!

... Thank you for that. Let's get back to the mural on the wall.

OK - that mural is of me from 1999, like you said. I was just a little twerp of a kid back then; small, yellow, and with no real clue of how to apply my physical self into physical success. I took stupid pictures of my skinny bod and thought I was the shit. I keep this mural to remind myself (as well as my meat-hoes) just how far I've come; from a yellow twerp to a fitness phenom, AND Randy League champion. It motivates me, HAZZZ!

Speaking of Champion, how does it feel to carry that title with you, belt and all?

Seriously Commissioner Randy, I have this to say: it weighs on me like a pair of 45lb plates. I know I shouldn't be complaining about being a defending champion. Most select-GMs will never get to touch the title belt because it ain't in their DNA, so I should be grateful that mother nature has given me such fine tools to become a champion.

"My off day," says Sitch.

You are a tool, indeed.

Hazzz!... Wait, is dat a good ting?

(sigh)... You were saying?

Right, like I was saying, I shouldn't complain about being a champion. But you know me; I'm a fitness phenomenon. I live and breathe competition. I do not plan on meeting expectations, I want to (bench) press beyond them. The odds are definitely stacked against me in terms of repeating as champion. It's a tough task to do. But, I've been on top, and I want to be on top again. If I can curl 55lbs, I want to keep curling 55lbs. Plain and simple. My opinion on the V is the same; if I could win it once, I better win it again.

I must admit your dedication to the League is admirable. What do you think of your strategy so far?

Honestly, I'm disappointed. Sitting on top of Burg's is nice ("That's what she said!" yelled Dick) but it isn't as satisfying as it looks. And he's got a pretty thick mustache so sitting on his face tickles a bit.

"Oh yeah das naiiice..." - Anonymous.

You are fucking nasty, Sitch.

I'm just telling it like it is, Commissioner Randy. Anyway, I love numbers, so my strategy tries to reflect that. I always analyze my protein, vitamin, fluid and meat intake; I do the same with the V. I'm always looking at trying to perform the most efficiently, aka. PPGP. I know in the long run efficiency matters, so I'm trying to minimize risk while maximizing potential. A hard task to do, but that's how I play the V.

Have you succeeded?

One could say that I have; my PPGP is the highest, and I've got plenty of games in hand to make up ground. On the other hand, I've sucked meat-balls; I'm 4th in the League, and I have a lot of underperformers. My goalies, ranked first in the Combine, are horrendous, and my forwards have trailed off in recent weeks.

Are you hopeful that you will turn things around?

I have to. Whether I'm squatting, crunching, ThunderZoning or in the V, I need to keep positive and focus. There's no limit to what the human body can achieve, and that includes my positive thinking. I believe my strategy is sound. If I don't win, it will not be because I effed up; it will be because I was unlucky. That is all.

Speaking of unlucky, how did you feel when you saw Burgundy's team flounder during the preliminary stages?

You'd think that I was happy, with the history Burgs and I have had. But I will say this, I wasn't celebrating with protein popery. I was concerned for Burgs; nobody wants to see a team decimated by injuries. I felt for the bro. And look, I've got injuries of my own with Stamkos and Rinne out. Shit happens, but that doesn't mean you can laugh at other people. I'm happy that he's surged a bit.

Noble words. Now time for a fun question. Wed, Bed, Fed or Dead: Dick Burns, Tree Bone, Safari and Burgundy. Go.

WED - Obviously I'm a man. Heterosexual man. Therefore, I gotta go with Tree Bone as she's got the V for my P.

BED - Dick Burns. Honestly, with all them sorority chicks screaming for his dick, he's gotta be good. Plus, I want to see his serious dick burns. Being from the Orient, I'm pretty hairless, so hair in general is exotic to yours truly.

FED - I'd feed Safari. He's done enough killing in the wild; it's about time he be slaughtered for feeding. I know, I know, this is cruel, but it's the circle of life, bitch!

Which leaves Burgundy for dead?

Big surprise; Sitch wants Burgs dead. With our historic past and endless beefs, it had to be him.

Are you sure it's not because Burgundy can grow a stash, whereas you can't even grow pubic hair?

FUCK COMMISSIONER RANDY! Why you so smart?

Let's leave it there. Thanks, Sitch.

Hazzz! Anytime Commissioner!