 |
| "Fucking beautiful," says AznSitch. |
As promised, I've compiled the pre-season team rankings. These results were based off of mountains of statistics, data and 'gut-intuitions' (not to mention many, many assumptions), most of which I do not care to explain. So, if you're sad about where your team ranks, all I have to say is this: try harder next year.
"Once again, I'd just like to add that combine results are ---" said Dick Burns.
I'll stop you right there, Dick. Yes, combines are notorious for not having ANY significance with actual ice-level performance, but it is human nature for us to believe that we can actually project future outcomes based on some 'justified' measurements. We all know projections and trend analysis don't mean much if the statistics are skewed by either sub-par/unique instances, but who gives a shit?! I'm not here to rationalize; I'm here to report.
"... Fine," agreed Dick Burns.
Without further delay, here are the combine results [position, followed by rank, followed by analysis]:
CENTRE
1. Burgs
2. Dick Burns
3. Tree Bone
4. Sitch
5. Safari
"Well well well, no surprises here!" an excited Burgundy yelled. Yes, the Crosbone factor definitely assisted in Burgundy's overall centre ranking, though I should note that the top ranking, in my opinion, could have gone to either Burgundy, Dick Burns or Tree Bone.
"Bullshit!" said Burgundy.
Tree Bone, who holds top centres in Malkin and Giroux, arguably matches the talent of Burgundy. Dick Burns, who also has proven firepower in Toews, Tavares and Getzlaf, could have also easily taken the #1 spot and has spares in case of injury. However, assuming Crosbone has a healthy season, I must give it to Burgundy.
"Yes!" shrieked Burgundy.
Sitch takes the #4 spot; he has the best goal scorer in Stamkos, but he's gambling with wildcard picks such as Sharp (coming off an injury-plagued season) and notable young guns (Kadri and Duchene). Safari has a gem in Backstrom, especially if he is paired with AO8, but also has a wildcard pick with Seguin, who may or may not shine in Dallas. He's got veterans in Datsyuk and Spezza, though some may argue that Datsyuk is past his prime and Spezza is prone to injury.
"Prone to injury?" questioned Safari. "See: Crosby."
LEFT WING
1. Safari
2. Burgs
3. Sitch
4. Tree Bone
5. Dick Burns
Safari gets the nod for LWs; Ovechkin is the perennial favourite among LWs, and he's also got Couture and Parise to back him up in case anything goes awry. Burgs, fashioning Neal and Hall, gets the #2 spot as both should produce handsomely this season.
"Fuck, I wanted Neal so badly," said Sitch. "He was such a force last year, and I tried to get Kunitz and Neal in the draft this year; Burgs beat me to the punch."
It's out of your control, Sitch. Besides, with Kunitz and Carter (26 G last year), you should be able to keep pace, which is why you've been allotted the #3 spot. The short end of the stick goes to Tree Bone and Dick Burns, who have proven wingers, but are either aging or on weaker teams.
"I demand more of an explanation," said Tree Bone.
No.
RIGHT WING
1. Tree Bone
2. Burgs
3. Dick Burns
4. Sitch
5. Safari
You want an explanation for this one, Tree Bone?
"No; the ranking is sufficient," said Tree Bone. That's what I thought. BUT, I"ll provide it anyway. Like the centres, the right wing rankings were close, but Tree Bone has support with St. Louis and Perry, which puts here at the top of the list. Burgs, Dick, Sitch and Safari will duke it out thereafter, though the order from #2 to #5 could have had many different combinations.
DEFENSE
1. Sitch
2. Tree Bone
3. Safari
4. Burgs
5. Dick Burns
"FIST PUMP!" yelled AznSitch. "Crank up the Enrique!"
Woah, woah. Slow down with the music, Sitch. Let me get to my analysis first. Sitch picks up top spot for defense as he's got both offensive and 'hard-nosed' statistics covered. Barring injury, Letang will put up decent numbers, second only to the likes of Karlsson or Subban. Sitch also has big rugged D (not in his pants, though) with Weber and Byfuglien, who can also make it onto the score sheet. He rounds out his D with Green and Ekman-Larsson, and gamble-pick Hamilton.
Tree Bone comes in a close second; she boasts an offensive Karlsson, as well as grit with Chara. Should Markov and Pietrangelo have healthy seasons, she may challenge Sitch for top defensive point accumulations.
GOALTENDING
1. Sitch
2. Burgs
3. Dick Burns
4. Tree Bone
5. Safari
"FIST PUMP!" yelled AznSitch. "Crank up the ---"
SHUT THE FUCK UP, Sitch! Holy hell, stop juicing up every minute. Anyways, Sitch gets the nod again for top spot, this time in goal. He was allotted the #1 spot for having two elites in Lundqist and Rinne, as well as having a decent third goalie in Howard, who I believe will do well in Detroit this year as the Wings are now in the East.
Burgs comes in second with Quick, Crawford and Smith. I contemplated putting him lower due to Smith, but every year Phoenix seems to be written off, yet the goaltending somehow makes it through. I gave Phoenix, and Burgs, the benefit of the doubt.
I give Dick Burns the #3 spot, which is likely to stir up controversy as he only holds two goalies (Rask and Fleury), one of which was almost run out of Pittsburgh during last year's playoff run. However, the Fucking Randy sees Fleury's playoff run as an anomaly, and I think Pittsburgh has enough to get him wins.
"BULLSHIT!" screamed Safari and Tree Bone in unison.
Tree Bone gets the #4 slot, as she has good goalies (Anderson, Niemi and Price) but may not have as great of support from their respective teams.
Safari finishes off at #5, though I do put an asterix beside his name; Bobrovsky was freakishly good last year, and I do think Luongo will outperform most goaltenders this year playing under Tortarella. And, if Philly can play some defense, Emery will be the best sleeper pick in the draft.
OVERALL RANK
 |
| Blue = Rank by Position | Orange = Overall Rank |
Overall, it appears that Burgs is poised to take the Title Belt away from Sitch this season. That being said, team rosters are bound to switch up during the year, so the combine results really don't mean anything at the end of the day.
"No, no. The results are fantastic. The analysis is flawless; I'll see you select-GMs at next year's Ceremonial Champion's Parade!" said Burgundy.
"Didn't I already point out that combine results are useless?" questioned Dick Burns.
Wise words, Dick.
No comments:
Post a Comment