Intoxicated Burgs goes too far; Jones won't press charges.
After attending a wedding ceremony on the weekend, select-GM Ron Burgundy thought it would be nice to have a special day of his own. Unfortunately, it did not pan out as well as he would have hoped.
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| "No comment!" said Burgs. |
"I'm not allowed to comment on any of this," said Burgs after he was released on bail.
Reporters were unable to get anything out of the tight-lipped Burgundy, but witnesses at the wedding and close friends of Burgundy filled in the missing pieces.
Sources indicate that after the ceremony, Burgundy and some other wedding attendees grabbed a few alcoholic beverages to pass time before the reception. An advocate of scotch (scotch, scotch, scotch!), Burgundy found his way through to the bottom of a Glenfiddich bottle and was 'extremely' intoxicated. He then began to speak his mind, apparently full of dirty thoughts regarding singer/actress Rashida Jones.
"He's always loved that freaking Jones," said AznStich, who saw Burgundy shortly before the wedding ceremony. "He had come over to my place before the wedding to get my advice on his double windsor. Made me feel around his neck to make sure everything was in order; made me ensure that he was lookin' sexy. It was awkward.
"Right then and there, I knew he was thinking about Rashida. He always thinks of her when he's feelin' sexy."
Witnesses say that Burgundy began telling everyone exactly why he thought Rashida was so great, from her graceful back-up vocal tracks on Maroon 5's Songs About Jane album to her performance on Parks and Recreation, as well as her memorable role in the film I Love You, Man. When those around him questioned how great she was, he defended her the way Pierre McGuire defends his Monster, revving his throaty voice over everyone around him in order to get his point across.
Things went south when people continued to question Burgundy's perspective of Rashida.
"He was drunk, and they wanted to punch him in the ovaries," an anonymous source said. "They wanted him to freak out; they wanted to break his glass case of emotion. They succeeded."
Burgundy was egged on, and became so infuriated that he began Googling "Rashida Jones' phone number" to try and get a hold of the singer/actress. He apparently wanted everyone to hear her voice so that he could prove just how amazing she was. His Googling efforts returned no results, however, and Burgundy soon forgot his original intentions and instead began creeping the images which popped up during his searches.
"He had a mad pants bone," said another source. "And then he... he forgot he was out in public. He just... whipped it out, like an animal... like some sort of beast. Like Bigfoot."
Police arrived on the scene shortly after and apprehended the intoxicated Burgundy. He was charged with Indecent Exposure and has been sentenced to 40 hours of community service on top of bail. Jones' PR representatives heard of the story and noted that she will not press charges.
"Absolutely disgraceful," said Dick Burns. "But, I have to agree; she's a FoX."
Wise words, Dick.
"Right then and there, I knew he was thinking about Rashida. He always thinks of her when he's feelin' sexy."
Witnesses say that Burgundy began telling everyone exactly why he thought Rashida was so great, from her graceful back-up vocal tracks on Maroon 5's Songs About Jane album to her performance on Parks and Recreation, as well as her memorable role in the film I Love You, Man. When those around him questioned how great she was, he defended her the way Pierre McGuire defends his Monster, revving his throaty voice over everyone around him in order to get his point across.
Things went south when people continued to question Burgundy's perspective of Rashida.
"He was drunk, and they wanted to punch him in the ovaries," an anonymous source said. "They wanted him to freak out; they wanted to break his glass case of emotion. They succeeded."
Burgundy was egged on, and became so infuriated that he began Googling "Rashida Jones' phone number" to try and get a hold of the singer/actress. He apparently wanted everyone to hear her voice so that he could prove just how amazing she was. His Googling efforts returned no results, however, and Burgundy soon forgot his original intentions and instead began creeping the images which popped up during his searches.
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| Image retrieved from Burgundy's phone. |
"He had a mad pants bone," said another source. "And then he... he forgot he was out in public. He just... whipped it out, like an animal... like some sort of beast. Like Bigfoot."
Police arrived on the scene shortly after and apprehended the intoxicated Burgundy. He was charged with Indecent Exposure and has been sentenced to 40 hours of community service on top of bail. Jones' PR representatives heard of the story and noted that she will not press charges.
"Absolutely disgraceful," said Dick Burns. "But, I have to agree; she's a FoX."
Wise words, Dick.
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