Sorry, I lied.
I previously said that we were done with NQs. But due to popular demand and significant interest, I've decided to open my doors and allow a self-featured NQ. There are readers out there who simply want to know more about me, Commissioner Randy (aka. the Fucking Randy, Morpheus Randy), and I'd be an ass if I did not give them what they wanted. Generally speaking, I hate the media, which is precisely why I became a top-notch journalist; I wanted to change all the hoopla that surrounded pop culture and deliver nothing but the truth. I will try to do that again with this very personal NQ.
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| Photo credit: TIME Magazine, 1996 |
Oh, and what do you know? Mr. Pierre McGuire has volunteered to interview me. How great does that sound?
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| "I'll be right there!" yelled Pierre. |
Commissioner Randy, it's a pleasure to interview you today. How are you?
I'm fine, McGuire. Just try not to fuck this up, eh?
I promise not to. So Commissioner Randy, how do you feel about this years crop of select-GMs?
I feel it'd be ironic to say "same shit, different day", as there haven't been many changes to the select-GMs. I will say this though; Tree Bone has been a great addition. I think with five select-GMs vying for top spot, the Randy Leagues will be even more entertaining.
Any surprises, in your opinion thus far?
I have to say that I got Dick Burns' team completely wrong during the Combine. I really, really dropped the ball on that. He's been sublime; his goalies are unreal. I really thought that he would start to backpedal in the standings if he didn't get another goalie, but he's still in the mix and the season is half over. I commend that team specifically for giving Sir Fucking Randy the middle finger. Kudos.
Wow; not everyday I hear that from you, Commissioner. So, everyone gets asked how they got their name. Where did you get yours, Commissioner?
Next question.
You're famous for your commentary. I mean that figuratively and literally. Your voice is quite unique, and you certainly have a style of speaking your mind. Where do you get your inspiration?
Not sure what you mean, Pierre, but I'll give it a shot. For my voice, I have no idea; I'm just a man who does his best with his chords. I sing loud, I sing proud, and I eat poutine. Maybe all that thick gravy has given my chords a unique, muffled quality. Your guess is as good as mine.
As for my inspiration, that comes from many different avenues. With my music, I just think about what the children would want. I can be a playful guy (just ask my receptionists), so I think I relate to children very well. As for my commentary in the Randy Leagues, well, that's not for children. I think more about truth; truth in the numbers and truth in what people are thinking. And yes, I'm vulgar.
What do you do in your spare time?
I spend a lot of time searching for the next great poutine meal, though I am often disappointed with sub-par dishes. There's only one place that serves great poutine, and I think we all know where to go to get it.
Anything else you do?
Uh... to be honest, not much. I'm a fan of order, so I spend a lot of time making my living and working space as orderly as possible. This includes lining up every aspect of my home to my liking, ensuring that my contractors do their jobs, checking up with my assistants at the office... you know, normal stuff. Oh, and I listen to/play lots of music.
What are you listening to currently?
Lots of Katy Perry. Lots. That fucking girl can sing. Others include: Foo Fighters, Mother Mother, Said the Whale, John Mayer, Bruno Mars, Foster the People and Michael Jackson.
Back to business. Is it hard being Commissioner?
Uh, that's a tough question. For the most part, I would say no; this group of select-GMs are fucking hilarious and pretty tame (if you can believe it), so managing this League isn't a tough job. I would say that the toughest part is this blog; I want to please everyone with every post, and there's a lot of pressure to produce. I know this blog is read when people are feeling down and looking for a chuckle, so I try to be as entertaining as possible. It's hard, but it's a challenge I accept.
Ever have to make a hard decision?
Oh, of course. The overturned trade was a big issue this year, and a first for me. I hate intervening in League transactions because there are pretty set rules in place for trades etc. But in this case, I was in the wrong as I had given false information to a select-GM so I had to exercise my rights as Commissioner. I did not like doing it, but it had to be done.
How well do you know the other select-GMs? What are your thoughts on them?
Sitch - He's a hot-head, but he isn't a meat-head, per se. He's got a lot of brain power for someone who has so much muscle, and he takes his drafting very seriously. I must commend him on making some significant pick-ups this year; you can call him sloppy-second-Sitch all you want, but the guy made trash into treasure.
Safari - A strong student of the game. Every year I oversee the draft and can understand his approach behind his drafting. He also makes my job way more interesting because he's one of the most dynamic, active and entertaining select-GMs out there. He always gives me something to report on, and that's always appreciated.
Dick Burns - I don't get the chance to talk to him often as he's busy bumpin' honies, but he's simply all class. Very level-headed (even when he's on cloud nine). I sign off with "Wise words" all the time, and he inspired that sign off. He seriously has some deep thoughts.
Burgundy - Talk about a man with charisma. Dick might have class, but Burgundy's got charisma. And he's quite a smooth talker. If he's at a party, you'll know he's there. He has swagger, AND timing. I really wish he'd turn off his PromptApp more often; he'd be much better without it.
Tree Bone - To borrow from you, Pierre, I'd say she's a fine-young-woman. She can tango with the other four gents like it's nothing and often trumps them. Like Dick, I don't get to talk to her much either; she's got her hands full with a brotha. She's also free-spirited; not many people can relax and go with the flow, but she can.
Wise words, Commissioner.
Watch it, Pierre. Nobody likes a copy-cat. But, thank you.
I feel it'd be ironic to say "same shit, different day", as there haven't been many changes to the select-GMs. I will say this though; Tree Bone has been a great addition. I think with five select-GMs vying for top spot, the Randy Leagues will be even more entertaining.
Any surprises, in your opinion thus far?
I have to say that I got Dick Burns' team completely wrong during the Combine. I really, really dropped the ball on that. He's been sublime; his goalies are unreal. I really thought that he would start to backpedal in the standings if he didn't get another goalie, but he's still in the mix and the season is half over. I commend that team specifically for giving Sir Fucking Randy the middle finger. Kudos.
Wow; not everyday I hear that from you, Commissioner. So, everyone gets asked how they got their name. Where did you get yours, Commissioner?
Next question.
You're famous for your commentary. I mean that figuratively and literally. Your voice is quite unique, and you certainly have a style of speaking your mind. Where do you get your inspiration?
Not sure what you mean, Pierre, but I'll give it a shot. For my voice, I have no idea; I'm just a man who does his best with his chords. I sing loud, I sing proud, and I eat poutine. Maybe all that thick gravy has given my chords a unique, muffled quality. Your guess is as good as mine.
 |
| Fine eats. |
As for my inspiration, that comes from many different avenues. With my music, I just think about what the children would want. I can be a playful guy (just ask my receptionists), so I think I relate to children very well. As for my commentary in the Randy Leagues, well, that's not for children. I think more about truth; truth in the numbers and truth in what people are thinking. And yes, I'm vulgar.
What do you do in your spare time?
I spend a lot of time searching for the next great poutine meal, though I am often disappointed with sub-par dishes. There's only one place that serves great poutine, and I think we all know where to go to get it.
Anything else you do?
Uh... to be honest, not much. I'm a fan of order, so I spend a lot of time making my living and working space as orderly as possible. This includes lining up every aspect of my home to my liking, ensuring that my contractors do their jobs, checking up with my assistants at the office... you know, normal stuff. Oh, and I listen to/play lots of music.
What are you listening to currently?
Lots of Katy Perry. Lots. That fucking girl can sing. Others include: Foo Fighters, Mother Mother, Said the Whale, John Mayer, Bruno Mars, Foster the People and Michael Jackson.
Back to business. Is it hard being Commissioner?
Uh, that's a tough question. For the most part, I would say no; this group of select-GMs are fucking hilarious and pretty tame (if you can believe it), so managing this League isn't a tough job. I would say that the toughest part is this blog; I want to please everyone with every post, and there's a lot of pressure to produce. I know this blog is read when people are feeling down and looking for a chuckle, so I try to be as entertaining as possible. It's hard, but it's a challenge I accept.
Ever have to make a hard decision?
Oh, of course. The overturned trade was a big issue this year, and a first for me. I hate intervening in League transactions because there are pretty set rules in place for trades etc. But in this case, I was in the wrong as I had given false information to a select-GM so I had to exercise my rights as Commissioner. I did not like doing it, but it had to be done.
 |
| "Hard decisions!" |
How well do you know the other select-GMs? What are your thoughts on them?
Sitch - He's a hot-head, but he isn't a meat-head, per se. He's got a lot of brain power for someone who has so much muscle, and he takes his drafting very seriously. I must commend him on making some significant pick-ups this year; you can call him sloppy-second-Sitch all you want, but the guy made trash into treasure.
Safari - A strong student of the game. Every year I oversee the draft and can understand his approach behind his drafting. He also makes my job way more interesting because he's one of the most dynamic, active and entertaining select-GMs out there. He always gives me something to report on, and that's always appreciated.
Dick Burns - I don't get the chance to talk to him often as he's busy bumpin' honies, but he's simply all class. Very level-headed (even when he's on cloud nine). I sign off with "Wise words" all the time, and he inspired that sign off. He seriously has some deep thoughts.
Burgundy - Talk about a man with charisma. Dick might have class, but Burgundy's got charisma. And he's quite a smooth talker. If he's at a party, you'll know he's there. He has swagger, AND timing. I really wish he'd turn off his PromptApp more often; he'd be much better without it.
Tree Bone - To borrow from you, Pierre, I'd say she's a fine-young-woman. She can tango with the other four gents like it's nothing and often trumps them. Like Dick, I don't get to talk to her much either; she's got her hands full with a brotha. She's also free-spirited; not many people can relax and go with the flow, but she can.
Wise words, Commissioner.
Watch it, Pierre. Nobody likes a copy-cat. But, thank you.
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